JJ's Year of Coming of Age Day 60: With a Little Help From My Friends...I Managed to Not Kill Myself.
"The wonder years??
Yeah, it's a wonder that I made it through them at all"
-Jj Thames
1993-1996 (Middle School)
I was a honor student.
The student government Vice President.
The starting center on the varsity basketball team.
Award winning member of the choir (show choir, solo ensemble, city and state choirs, etc.)
I figure skated, modeled, was on a dance team, took piano lessons, and entered talent shows.
I won tons of awards and received numerous certificates for creative writing, community service, other sports, and organizations...
There are tons of pictures of me smiling and being a normal, well rounded, upper middle class suburban kid.
But, I wasn't.
I was lonely, bullied, experiencing social anxiety, feeling ugly, misunderstood, left out, depressed, and ultimately suicidal.
By 12 years old...I had already experienced mental, emotional, and sexual abuse...by 13, I had attempted suicide 3 times. In 7th grade, I mostly spent all of my time in the counselors office in "independent study." My school counselor would get my assignments from my teachers, and would allow me to do all my work there. She even would allow me the leave the office early to get to and from my locker before all the other kids filled the halls to get my books, use the restroom, and come back to the office.
I know now that I was dealing with some of the effects of Aspergers Syndrome (I recieved a late diagnosis) But, then...I was just an awkward kid that was struggling desperately to fit in, and to deal with the deep anxiety that usually riddled my insides, often pushing me to a point of nausea and tears. I was a creep, a weirdo...an outsider that was often accepted into certain groups of kids because of my extra curricular activities. But, I never really "fit" in.
I often lied about my life...who I was, where I was from, my experiences and the like-because I couldn't stand the idea of people knowing my deep dark secrets, and rejecting me even further. At least if they rejected me because of lie, I could still have the hope that someone would accept me for who I really was...Whoever that was...I had a true identity crisis...and no clue how to be better...to do better.
While I was considered gifted in music, art, language, theatre, and writing...I struggled with my social life...often crying myself to sleep-and struggling with my faith, because I was taught that suicide was an unforgivable sin. When all I really wanted to do was end it all...something was wrong with me...I knew it...but, I just couldn't seem to get over the hump. No one could tell me how to fix it.
There was one particular girl that will remain nameless, that seemed to have the power to turn all the girls that were supposed to like me (they didn't...now knowing what I know about preteen girls, they most likely didn't even like themselves) into my enemies that taunted me as I walked down the hall, pulled my hair, stuck nasty notes in my locker and passed them in classes and at lunch, giggling with each other while staring at me, and threatened me in the bathrooms. I hated God for allowing me to wake up every morning. Weekends were my only reprieve-even going into high school, I attended school all year long, just so I could graduate early and get away from it all. (Which I did)
Fortunately by the end of middle school, I had discovered my love affair for music and immersed myself in it...finding my solace in Billie Holiday, Phyllis Hyman, Kathleen Battle, Alanis Morissette, Aerosmith, Enigma, and the Cranberries. I played AAU basketball, started a garage band, and a quite successful baby sitting and referral business. I continuously wrote poetry, songs and was religiously scribbling in my journal. I learned how to mimic acceptable social behaviors, and somewhat embrace my "weirdness". And when I did...others seem to as well. I learned to hide my anxieties, and to cope...to in ways trademark being a "loner". Even though I still had a long ways to go...I made it out of middle school alive. I felt bad for some of the others who were like me, who didn't quite figure out how to adjust...some not until adulthood.
Lately, I have watched our children struggle. I see the posts about the babies that are killing themselves (even on video, desperately still trying to be seen and heard-even from the grave) because of being bullied, abused, outcasted, and feeling ignored. I implore you...if you see this behavior among children...it's not just child's play...it's not just going to go away...its not okay to take the stand that "kids will be kids"...it doesn't toughen the skin of the one being bullied...it creates long standing wounds that for me-took years of therapy to heal. For others...drug overdoses and their daddy's shotguns took their lives before they ever got a chance to live it.
Stop the bullying...don't allow your child to be part of the reason another one doesn't make it through the wonder years. #stopthebullying #nobullyingzone#youneverknowwhosomeonewillgrowuptobe
I was a honor student.
The student government Vice President.
The starting center on the varsity basketball team.
Award winning member of the choir (show choir, solo ensemble, city and state choirs, etc.)
I figure skated, modeled, was on a dance team, took piano lessons, and entered talent shows.
I won tons of awards and received numerous certificates for creative writing, community service, other sports, and organizations...
There are tons of pictures of me smiling and being a normal, well rounded, upper middle class suburban kid.
But, I wasn't.
I was lonely, bullied, experiencing social anxiety, feeling ugly, misunderstood, left out, depressed, and ultimately suicidal.
By 12 years old...I had already experienced mental, emotional, and sexual abuse...by 13, I had attempted suicide 3 times. In 7th grade, I mostly spent all of my time in the counselors office in "independent study." My school counselor would get my assignments from my teachers, and would allow me to do all my work there. She even would allow me the leave the office early to get to and from my locker before all the other kids filled the halls to get my books, use the restroom, and come back to the office.
I know now that I was dealing with some of the effects of Aspergers Syndrome (I recieved a late diagnosis) But, then...I was just an awkward kid that was struggling desperately to fit in, and to deal with the deep anxiety that usually riddled my insides, often pushing me to a point of nausea and tears. I was a creep, a weirdo...an outsider that was often accepted into certain groups of kids because of my extra curricular activities. But, I never really "fit" in.
I often lied about my life...who I was, where I was from, my experiences and the like-because I couldn't stand the idea of people knowing my deep dark secrets, and rejecting me even further. At least if they rejected me because of lie, I could still have the hope that someone would accept me for who I really was...Whoever that was...I had a true identity crisis...and no clue how to be better...to do better.
While I was considered gifted in music, art, language, theatre, and writing...I struggled with my social life...often crying myself to sleep-and struggling with my faith, because I was taught that suicide was an unforgivable sin. When all I really wanted to do was end it all...something was wrong with me...I knew it...but, I just couldn't seem to get over the hump. No one could tell me how to fix it.
There was one particular girl that will remain nameless, that seemed to have the power to turn all the girls that were supposed to like me (they didn't...now knowing what I know about preteen girls, they most likely didn't even like themselves) into my enemies that taunted me as I walked down the hall, pulled my hair, stuck nasty notes in my locker and passed them in classes and at lunch, giggling with each other while staring at me, and threatened me in the bathrooms. I hated God for allowing me to wake up every morning. Weekends were my only reprieve-even going into high school, I attended school all year long, just so I could graduate early and get away from it all. (Which I did)
Fortunately by the end of middle school, I had discovered my love affair for music and immersed myself in it...finding my solace in Billie Holiday, Phyllis Hyman, Kathleen Battle, Alanis Morissette, Aerosmith, Enigma, and the Cranberries. I played AAU basketball, started a garage band, and a quite successful baby sitting and referral business. I continuously wrote poetry, songs and was religiously scribbling in my journal. I learned how to mimic acceptable social behaviors, and somewhat embrace my "weirdness". And when I did...others seem to as well. I learned to hide my anxieties, and to cope...to in ways trademark being a "loner". Even though I still had a long ways to go...I made it out of middle school alive. I felt bad for some of the others who were like me, who didn't quite figure out how to adjust...some not until adulthood.
Lately, I have watched our children struggle. I see the posts about the babies that are killing themselves (even on video, desperately still trying to be seen and heard-even from the grave) because of being bullied, abused, outcasted, and feeling ignored. I implore you...if you see this behavior among children...it's not just child's play...it's not just going to go away...its not okay to take the stand that "kids will be kids"...it doesn't toughen the skin of the one being bullied...it creates long standing wounds that for me-took years of therapy to heal. For others...drug overdoses and their daddy's shotguns took their lives before they ever got a chance to live it.
Stop the bullying...don't allow your child to be part of the reason another one doesn't make it through the wonder years. #stopthebullying #nobullyingzone#youneverknowwhosomeonewillgrowuptobe
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