JJ's YEAR OF DESTINY DAY 5- Divorce is of the Devil...

"You don't know how "one" you've really become- until you're ripped apart. 
Divorce is of the devil...
I wish it on no one...ever." 

-jj thames.

Not in the mood to face the world today.

so I won't.

my bed is my solace...

listening to my new record, tightening up arrangements, listening for more possibilities- soothes my angst.

this divorce stuff irks my soul...

one or two days- I barely think about it.

next day...I feel like I've been hit by a bullet train at maximum speed- and just want to lay in my darkened bedroom and look at the ceiling. No tmusic, no TV...just me...my bed...and the ceiling. Sleep usually eventually welcomes me. But, then there's the dreams- and waking again to the pain.

I feel like a part of me has died.

It's a strange kind of pain...

its a numbing abiding pain...like an irritating itch deep in your soul that you really have no kind of way to scratch. You just have to talk about it, and suffer through it, until it stops itching.

Flashes of anger flare up at times, and take my breath away- scaring me.The depth of the emotion is so cavernous-I have to stop, and often talk myself out of it. Just when I think I am taking two steps forward...something reminds me of him snatching me back into my feelings...the kind of music he listened to...how he was the most personally hygienic man I have ever met in my life. (aside from my father)-I don't think I will be able to tolerate anything less ever again. How he watched goofy youtube videos all day long- and his silly laugh that reminded me of huggy bear the pimp. I often find myself with a wry smile on my lips...hesitantly amused...frustrated that the memories of his voice, frame, scent, touch are still so fresh in my mind and muscle memory...and dwelling on the slightest thing for a minute too long brings fresh tears to my eyes.

Anger comes again...because, I don't want to care. I don't want to feel...he doesn't deserve my tears. He doesn't deserve the honor of my hurt. He doesn't deserve to reside in the deepest depths of my heart. I should be glad that it's over...it was a horrible loveless dysfunctional marriage. Yet...it still hurts. Like...in my spirit. I don't want him back...never. Not in this lifetime or the next...I just want to be free from it all...I want the healing to come quicker...I want this to be a distant memory. I want to become who I'm going to be when I'm over this, and be able to move on- I want someone whos going to love me completly...someone who will be wide open, and crazy about me as I am about them. Someone who can't imagine thier life without me. I deserve that...and I will have it. But, right now...I must heal to be able to offer that love and to be able to receive that love, and not be toxic to myself or anyone else. It makes me angry that I even have to deal with that at all...sideye*

You remember when Superman flew around the world and reversed its rotation to go back in time to keep Lois Lane from dying? I wish I could do the opposite...I wish I could be superwoman, and live in fast forward for awhile...to skip this part, and just get to the good stuff. But, no such luck...I have to walk this thing out. Divorce is of the devil...I swear. It is a soul wrenching, spirit tearing, physically draining process...I wish it for no one.

Yet, I regret nothing...strange, you say? well, let me explain...I like, no scratch that...LOVE who I am, and who I am becoming, This adversity...my marriage...shambles and all...has forged this strong, take no prisoners, humble, logical, focused, self-loving and respecting, outspoken, grateful, fearless woman. Passion has been further produced by my pain...I value my peace, true friendships, the truth, common sense and real love more now than I ever have. It can only get greater later.

So, as I wipe away tears...I smile...It crosses my mind that, I should be celebrating...I'm one tear closer to being totally healed...maybe I can get out and face the world today afterall...

#tobedetermined #ilovemylife #mylifeinthesunshine #itainteasybutitllbeworthit #momentbymoment #tearscleansethesoul #Onebecomingtwo #divorcesucks #thinkbeforeyouleap

You’ve kept track of my every toss and turn

through the sleepless nights,

Each tear entered in your ledger,

each ache written in your book. Psalm 56:8 MSG