"You can't just lay down and let life happen to you...
you have to DO life...and do it big. You're the boss...You determine how you're going to survive...
pushing back or being run over...ride the waves, or let them drown you." -jj thames.
Yesterday was Thanksgiving...and was probably one of the worst days of my life...
Thanksgiving/Christmas/The New Year/Valentine's Day all have been attached to very unsavory memories... My mother's death, my child's diagnosis and death the following year, now a divorce...(this time last year, we were celebrating with family members and preparing for our wedding in 3 days, now we are separated, waiting for the mandatory waiting period to be over, and divorce to be final, and completely excommunicated- what amazing things can happen in a year.) sideeye*
Then there are the many very lonely holiday experiences throughout the years (my birthday is in July and that ones a doozy too! One year- EVERYBODY forgot...(I never mentioned it to anyone, just went on like I didn't happen...two years in a row, I got dumped.) My immediate family is very small, as I am an only child- we don't really celebrate holidays in a major way. While I seriously don't mind skipping all the pomp and circumstance (I'd genuinely prefer to be on tour-that's where I have escaped the sadness most) I think many people find themselves quite lost, disconnected, and isolated during most holidays...but, I think there is a specific depression that attacks many during this time of year- so many wait all year to experience the "joy" of this season, and it never truly meets the expectation...while others, suffer the heaviness of it, right off, and dread it's arrival- it's definitely a spiritual thing.)
My church family did something really awesome yesterday...We had a pot luck Thanksgiving dinner in the lobby of a Hilton hotel. There were all ages, races, genders, life stages, financial statuses...etc. We all ate (there was WAAAY too much food), and those who were just staying at the hotel were welcome to join us as well...Many people invited other folks that weren't church members, and didn't have anywhere to go. It was beautiful, and I was overjoyed to have been part of it.
While I was there, I admit, I would have rather sat in the corner by myself...or just came, said my hellos, took a plate, and left. I just didn't feel like talking...But, that wasn't an option...people sought me out, and short of me just being flat out rude (which I wouldn't) I had to join in the conversation. (when some one looks you in the eye, crosses their legs and says... "so, tell me about yourself..." what do you do? you find something to talk about, that's what.)
I stayed for a few hours, said my thanks, gave hugs, took some leftovers and headed home. When I walked in my door...I began to cry. My life is not supposed to be this way...walking into my home is depressing...I have a half completed investment home...that doesn't feel like home (when you have been homeless as many times as I have...your hearts deepest desire is to have a home that is truly your haven. This was a project that my ex husband and I were supposed to complete together...two rooms are finished (in the BACK of the house)...the rest, I am left to do on my own. It takes all the energy I have right now to start painting a wall...once I get started...I'm okay...but, most times, when I think to do it, I get in the bed, pull the covers over my head and sleep til the next day...everyday I walk through the door...I find myself angry at the unpainted walls...the unfinished floors...the half pulled down wallpaper in the bathroom...and think of all the lies and unfulfilled promises in my marriage, that leave me feeling empty and damaged just like this house.
Today, when I could sleep no longer... (and after receiving an unexpected phone call from one of the ministers at my church- asking me how I was doing, letting me know that they were thinking about me...and that they would be praying for me, and want to talk to me on Sunday.) I decided that while getting up, getting dressed, and going anywhere was too much...I could watch a movie. So I watched "90 Minutes in Heaven". I wont give the storyline away...but, basically a guy who trusted and knew God (like myself) had a horrible tragedy happen to him (like myself) and he ended up suffering and having to go through some horrible pain and suffering (like myself) and people tried to rally around him, and be there for him (like myself) but he wouldn't let them, pushed them away and isolated himself, wallowing in his misery, and asking God to just let him go to heaven (like myself)
Then comes a man that he trusts, respects and honors to visit him...you are ready and waitngfor him to say something profound...but, what he says is... "you need to get it together!" and THAT resounded in my soul...He's telling this man who is all mangled, and torn down by this tragedy to get it together?? The accident wasn't this man's fault...this situation wasn't fair...he had the right to feel the way hat he did...but, that day...the hurting man got the message loud, and clear, and so did I. "If God brought you to it...He will bring you THROUGH it!"
I have GOT TO GET IT TOGETHER... That doesn't mean that its going to stop hurting...or that I am going to wake up tomorrow and magically everything is perfect...It just means that I have to be willing to get up and paint a wall!! To trust God to help me do the smallest things, and He will build me up to the bigger ones...I have to continue to live in the moments...to make strides...to not become stagnant...I have to be willing to FIGHT! Fight for my purpose...fight for my dreams...fight for my future...allow people who love me to rally around me and pray me through...no man's an island...fight when I feel myself forgetting my own message of hope, restoration and God's love and good plan for our lives slipping out of my view...fight to worship...fight to be happy, right NOW! I'm gonna start by painting this hallway mustard yellow...THAT small feat will help me to feel like I'm taking back control of my world...
I believe that as I personally paint a little more everyday...the ugliness in my heart, the pain in my soul, that has woven within the sinews of my muscles, and is reinforced by this half shambles of a house...will lessen with every stroke of the paint brush.
When I walk into my finished home...instead of tears...my mouth will smile wide...I'll plop on my fierce ivory sectional, will all my bright gregarious pillows...kick my feet in the air, giggling spinning in circles, dancing, soaking in all my dazzling warm colors on my walls, as I dig my feet into my soft sheepskin rug ...inhale my new dark hard wood floors , and delicately run my finger across my eclectic custom artwork...my home will be a reflection of my heart...beautiful, full, warm, bright, complete, and full of love...The same way I will actively beautify my home everyday is the same way I will intentionally, daily, seek God to wash and color my heart beautiful...I'm tired of hiding in sleep, closing my door to the ugliness...I am ready to get better...
I'm ready to GET IT TOGETHER...
#hang10 #surfnotdrown #crawlingouttamisery #imabeokay #imamakeit #toughtimesdontlasttoughpeopledo #goditrustyou #thishurts #illlive #youarenotalone #happygirljj #transparent
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