Just when you think you've got it all figured out...something else changes...
If you've learned all there is to ever learn about life and all of its facets...it is time to die.
So just live and let yourself live...give yourself a break...stop beating yourself up when you're less than perfect. Get over yourself, and your finite view of who you are, and should be...take a deep breath...embrace your tiny, frail, imperfect humanity...stand in awe of your big perfect God...bask in the joy of merely being alive. He has a plan for your life that's gonna blow. your. mind. If you'll just get outta the way.
-jj thames.
So...
I started this blog for me...
for me to discover, heal, help, love, soothe, understand, document, purge, hear direction for, and empower...me.
well, I am amazed, humbled, and touched at how many people have found solace, inspiration, humor, and wisdom in my posts...
however, I realized something...
I started to get stressed out about this blog.
Like...everyday, trying to schedule around my busy day...this blog.
Like...waking up and jumping out of my bed, stubbing my toe on the wall, running around with the dreadful feeling of being late for work if I didn't have it posted by a certain time...this blog.
Like...This blog was my boss, and I had deadlines to turn stuff into it...and I wanted to stand around the water cooler and talk about what a tyrant and dictator it was...and how hard it worked me, and expected so much from me for no pay.
Like...I had to clock in on time, or there would be reprimand, consequences, and repercussions if I didn't.
Like everything else that I feel obligated to do...I began to resent this blog...
and anyone that asked me for or about the next post.
I was in my fabulous orange and white kitchen washing dishes brooding over it, one day...
when it hit me...
THIS IS MY BLOG!!! I work for nobody! I write it on my own terms, when I want, how I want, why I want to. This blog ain't the boss of me!
Its not owned by anyone, but me...it's "jj thames...naked." That's me, on my own platform, in my element.
playing by my own rules.
My smile returned.
My shoulders relaxed.
The twinge of pain that had started to gather in my lower back subsided.
Freedom once again became mine...and I began to fall in love with the idea of blasting my thoughts and feelings all over the internet again...in the form of a blog.
To some, you may be thinking...it's just a stupid blog...geesh. What's the big deal? Or...you should be happy that people even want to read your stankin thoughts- how self righteous are you, jj? If people actually care about what you have to say, and you are actually helping people...how foolish and selfish are you to not give them what they want/need? If that's you...you have just proven my point...
I. am. not. obligated. to. do. ANYTHING. I. do, not. want. to. do....EVER! People do not own me...group think, does not own me! The desires of others, do not own me! Supply and demand don't even own me. I am not obligated by or to anyone or any one thing! Obligation begats regret, and resentment. Truly, we are not even obligated to love and honor God! *gasp* HE doesn't even want to be loved out of obligation...hence, why He gave us "choice". Doing something without feeling obliged to do so...takes the sting out of the work...it restores the joy. We were born to be free. When those freedoms become infringed upon...our innate nature is to fight back! Even the Constitution of the United States talks about it..."We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness."
It took me almost giving myself panic attacks, and running into light poles trying to get home to put out my blog, that I STARTED! FOR ME!...when its main function was never for public consumption anyway...but, merely to pour out all of my toxicities, and make room for the positive things in life...that I WANT to embrace and internalize- to become part of me. I'm done with living a negative, obligation ridden, busy-bodied existed. Running from myself and my emotions...fighting to remain numb, so no one can hurt me again. I'm done with smiling, and making nice with people, denying my truth and my identity to make others comfortable. I'm calling a spade a spade...embracing my "not knowing it allness," and putting my fist in the air in power to truth. light. and the right to "just be".
This blog was my "soul detox" and mental boxing up of old junk that needed to be thrown on the trash heap. This blog was my private, intimate, personal space but, I put up a mirrored glass wall so others could look in- like in an interrogation room. You can see in, but, all I see from my side- is myself. I'm not obligated to whoever's on the other side looking in- most times, I don't even know that they are there. But, I choose to share what I see when I look at the mirror on my side, whenever I choose to look at it. It's really me...interrogating me...about me...for me...with an audience, that happens to comment and share every now and again.
As usual, I abandoned my mission to better jj, exercise self-discovery, and chase God's purpose for my life, and started thinking about everyone else...I started wondering and caring about the no named eyes looking through the mirror. I concerned myself about everyone elses' issues...opinions, needs, wants, ATTITUDES, feelings and offenses about what I wrote...and when. I allowed fear and pride, instead of love for myself and the truth to become my motivation. I started to feel that people depended on me to write everyday, instead of me focusing on my own crap- and figuring out who and what God created ME to be. It's amazing how serious we can take ourselves at times...I had to go look myself in the mirror.. like, deep into my own eyes...and have a talk with myself. I had to take a minute from writing, and get back to the core of JJ, and the purpose for doing all of this in the first place. The conversation went something like this:
I said,,,
Me: self!?
Self: huh!?
Me: you know it doesn't really matter who reads this thing, right?
Self: *adverted eyes*
Me: RIGHT??
Self: *sigh* but I want them to like me...
Me: everybody's not going to like you...
Self: I know...but, they've like me so far...if I keep writing everyday, maybe some will actually get to know me, and truly love me...If I stop writing, they will forget about me... I'm important to people...they care about what I have to say...I'm nobody if I don't help anybody.
Me: You can't give out of an empty vessel..
Self: But, people don't love you unless you are giving something to them...
Me: God loves you...even though you have nothing to give to Him...
Self: I know...but, I can't touch and hug and audibly hear, hold Him.
Me: True...but, He always touches, hugs, talks to, and holds you...
Self: *blink blink*
Me: This thing is for you...to find, discover, love, and heal you...This is your God idea...so you can get on the right track to your destiny...If other people benefit from that...that's wonderful, but...keep your eyes on your own paper.
Self: It gets so lonely.
Me: Pray
Self: I get tired of praying.
Me: Write
Self: I get tired of writing.
Me: Sleep, rest, run, spin in circles, ride a bike, sing a song, write a song, read a book, go watch the sunset, volunteer somewhere, go to an art show, paint, turn up the music loud and dance, watch a movie, spend time hugging and loving on your babies...figure out what you love to do without obligation. embrace your freedom.
Self: The right to just be...
Me: Now you remember...focus on you girlfriend...focus on who God has created to be, and move only as He leads you...everything else will stem from there. Love God...Love self...Love others...and just be...you...whoever that may be now...and who she will become. God has a funny way of touching people when you stop trying to, and just focus on letting Him talk to you. Get out the way JJ...
Self: *looking in the mirror* welcome back JJ.
Me: It's good to be home.
The moral to the story is...I'm learning to stay my course. To just be...to love me, and to be unapologetic about it. People will always have wishes, expectations and ideas for your life. But truly, unless you embrace and love your own truth (despite how it may shift and change as God's plans for your life unfold)...you will always find yourself losing yourself, and inevitably, your way- not ever really being happy, or being able to love anybody (self included) because you find yourself in a conundrum: The desire to be free, even from your own lofty expectations, but feeling bound by those that have no way of helping you achieve your life's purpose...because as smart as they may be, or how much of an affinity they have for you, or have been successful in their own lives...they didn't create you, and genuinely don't know all that God has planned for your life...seek Him and everything else will be added to you.
Our lives, are like chasing the wind...they are here one day, and gone the next. I aim to live moment by moment, taking in the sites, good energy, and personal connections...without losing vision of my personal freedom. I CHOOSE to love God, I CHOOSE to trust Him, and His plan as crazy as it may seem at times...and I CHOOSE to live my life out loud, simply because I feel that I am supposed to- without becoming obligated or relegated to anyone's plans for my life- not even my own.
I CHOOSE to give myself a break, to get off my own back, and nerves. Now, constantly reminding myself...it's okay to not know what tomorrow brings...its okay to be weak, and cry at times...all the time if I just need to- until I don't need to anymore. It's okay not to write everyday, ESPECIALLY if I just don't have anything pressing or of substance to say. It's okay to write, even WHEN I don't have anything pressing or seemingly of substance to say...I could write myself into a substantial thought...or maybe God wants to speak to me through my gibberish, and incoherent prose. It's okay to be flawed...It's okay to work on myself...or not, and not have to explain it to anyone. It's okay to retreat away from the world, and be alone with me- to FEEL my real emotions, to hear my real thoughts, and desires; to get quiet before my Heavenly Father, and LISTEN... without everybody's two cents...I don't have to always be in control...I don't have to have it all figured out. I don't have to be perfect...I don't HAVE to save the world...but, rather to just let God save me...and allow HIS light to shine through me- should He choose. I have no light of my own to shine.
If I don't know ANYTHING else...God's got this...and He's got me...and I love Him for it...with no obligation...just because of the beauty of who He is...and that HE loves imperfect, temperamental, cerebral, weirdo, half loner/half extroverted, curious, truth-seeking, goofy, clumsy, opinionated, moody, extremist, strong-willed, little me. I haven't figured out how all those things work together, and why He allows me to be this way...but, I'ma write about it...I'ma write it out...for me...thank ya'll for tuning in...but, I'm not looking past the mirror anymore...I can't change you, I can't fix you, I can't really even help you-in my own strength...But, I sure can let the Creator mold, lead, and guide me...If He happens to use my willingness to be a lump of clay that He can use at His will to speak to you about you are yurrin (without me even being conscious of it)...amazeballs!
For the 50 billionth time today...I lay my life down...crucify myself, and ask Jesus to take the wheel...cuz I don't have the slightest idea where we are going...I think I hear Him laughing at me again, as I slide back in the passengers seat where I belong.
"Many plans occupy the mind of a man, but the LORD's purposes will prevail." Proverbs 19:21
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