"Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance. "
As you know (If you've been on this blogging journey with me for a while) November is when MY new year starts for some reason...I think it may have something to do with my biorhythms or something...but, major life changes ALWAYS happen for me starting in November. (I just moved back to NYC November 1st...this was not planned...I just happened to have a show here, and thought it would be a good time to do so...) So, although I know that we are 10 days into my New Year...this is day one of a new chapter in my blog (don't judge me, you don't know my life!) ... if you are new...welcome...fasten your seat belt, and enjoy the ride...I'll bring ya back! If you have been ridin' with me...lol...I hope you're not car sick...cuz, we are about to turn up the speed and hit the curves a little harder in this motha! Lets do this!
Who is Jj Thames at the core?
I'm quirky, "eccentric", love the color purple (more like violet), have violet hair, front a band called the Violet Revolt, have alot of tattoos ( but not nearly enough), I am considered sassy, but sweet, am unintentionally funny (people seem to find me to be a hoot- even when I'm being dead serious for whatever reason), I'm workin on quittin cussin, and am as single as a dollar bill. (for now).
But, under all of those hats/definitions- whats on the inside? Glad you asked me...
Well if you pulled back the outer layers, you'd find that I am generally happy, but moody, sometimes insecure about certain things, awkward, clumsy, overly sensitive (I always think people are bothered by me or don't like me), tend to talk too much, tend to over-share (to other people's taste...I'm fine with it...my truth is my truth- hence, "Jj Thames: naked"), very hard on myself, but try REALLY hard not to judge others...and can be rather obtuse and gullible at times. I love people too easily and too hard who don't love me back- I've certainly attracted more than my share (and yours too) of sadistic sociopaths whom I desperately wanted to believe in and fix their boo- boos almost to my own demise.
I'm a visionary who can be child-like in my fearlessness (you know, the kid who dares to touch the glowing red hot stove top even when mommy repeatedly screamed no...I did actually do that...and still often do metaphorically) and am willing to jump and have faith that I will find a parachute on the way down or learn how to fly...land on a pigeon...something. Surprisingly to those around me...it normally turns out pretty awesome.
I am a dynamic self-starter- but, working out logistics and finishing...not so much. I lose interest easily, and can be rather rudely apathetic and disconnected emotionally and even verbally, from some people; while I am completely emotionally and mentally entwined (almost to a co-dependent level) with others. I can be stoic and aloof...emotional and indifferent almost at the same time...I am an oxy-moron. A thick-skinned empath. A logical and analytical pipe dreamer. A truth teller that doesn't make good eye contact, has a hard time reading facial expressions, and ascertaining tone of voice, and in turn sometimes unwittingly pisses people off with said truth, but genuinely only really want people to like me. However, has a really difficult time determining if people really do or don't, so I tend to stay to myself to keep my inner running dialogue quieter and from running me bat-poop crazy!
"I am an oxy-moron. A thick-skinned empath. A logical and analytical pipe dreamer. A truth teller that doesn't make good eye contact..."
Once I am tied into something (a project, interest, etc), I can focus on it so intently and completely until I will not talk to anyone (in person, on social media or otherwise), forgetting to eat, sleep, or even use the restroom. (and then I become overstimulated, and have an all out meltdown.) I hear colors and see and taste sound...(it's called synesthesia.) I have a disdain for holes close together (it literally causes me physical pain- it's called trypophobia- trust me, don't look it up...smh...you looked it up didn't you? hardheaded.), and music pulses thorough my brain and body almost non-stop...and I am rhythmically challenged.
I identify my own emotions with song lyrics and melodies. I reason and think in music videos. I govern my life by the Bible, and believe that God literally is always speaking to us, and if we listen- He's actually rather witty and funny, and only full of love, and a desire to bless us. So, I talk about God like He is my best friend and I talk to Him everyday...because I do, and He is...some people find this disconcerting. He's real to me...but, I do understand and tolerate that may not be the case for others...however, I don't curb my relationship with him to make anyone else feel comfortable. I would never ask you to do the same either. Most...okay...okay...ALL of the things I struggle with in my life boils down to stopping doing them my way, and instead doing them His way...which I KNOW are better than mine...but, mine seem work (for shorter periods of time, or blow up faster in my face) than His...sigh* I'm working on it.
I'm driven by taking care of others, living out my purpose, and being blessed to be a blessing. I used to be convinced that I was crazy, and battled deep depression...but, now I know that I kinda am, and am totally cool with it-- because I know that I have something called Asperger's. You can read about my journey to that understanding of, and learning to love self HERE.
All of this is to say that...I know who I am. I know how I am. I know my flaws. I know my gifts and talents...I know my purpose...I've learned to truly love me. After all, I think God did a pretty bang up job on me- I'm gauche, and a weirdo (definitely not a cool kid)- but, I'm still rather awesome and wonderfully made, and I want to belong- to someone and to somewhere someday.
I know who I am. I know how I am. I know my flaws. I know my gifts and talents...I know my purpose...I've learned to truly love me.
Last time I lived here in NYC I moved 6 times alone. (Hadn't signed my deal yet.) And although I sang in subways, slept on trains, lived in a shelter apartment (that I had no business being in...no, I mean like the people who ran the shelter didn't even know that I was living there...they didn't even know who I was....Long story.), and lived in almost all the boroughs...I still LOVED this city.
I found myself in this city...I walked down the street giddy, and created the businesses that I run now while I was in this city. (and a few more that I don't run anymore). I am creative here...I add to the daily fabric here...I move easy here, and breathe easy here. I THRIVE here...this is MY city. *singing obnoxiously* "New yooooooooooork!!! concrete jungle where dreams are made of, there's nothing you can't do...now you're in New Yoooooooork!! These streets will make you feel brand new...Big lights will inspire you!! Let's hear it for New York, New York, Neeeeeew Yooooork!"
So, I know WHERE I belong...(and I fought almost 10 years to get back here). Every time I came here over the last 10 years (to do shows, etc.) I cried when I had to leave, and wanted to stand in the middle of the street (after kissing the ground) and sing "To be loved" at the top of my lungs whenever I arrived again. If you don't have a love for the place that you live like I do...that's okay. I'm not sure if it's normal behavior or not. But, it sure does feel good to feel like you belong somewhere. SOMEWHERE embraces you. New York City....Harlem to be exact... does that for me.
Now the belonging TO someone...giiuuuuurl... (or maaaaaan)...that is a WHOLE 'nother situation. I feel like I've changed men like drawls...and we just can't seem to get it together. The ones that I've liked, don't like me...(or give me reasons like *insert whining voice* "I like you too much"...or "we live in two different countries across an ocean from each other it's just too far" *scoff* (I'm joking (sortof)...you know who you are- and I get it, (NOT!)... lol *scoffs again* I guess Aero-planes are just a figment of our imagination and don't fly numerous times a day.) and the one's that like me...*rolling eyes* well... no thank you. *sucking teeth* *rolling eyes*
I had it in my mind that I wasn't ever going to get married again, and that I was just fine with me and mine, thank you very much. That I am hyper-focused on my career...traveling all over the world, and singing my songs...living out my dream...don't get me wrong...I am still in that mind frame. I'ma business woman, and I have an AMAZING band, and a growing business...a stressful, never- ending, Jesus- be- a- fence- and- fix- it, "it- costs- WHAT??", Jesus-hol- my mule- living- in- hotels, always- on- the- road, in- a -different- country- almost- everyday -sometimes, What-is- a-vegan-to-eat-in Europe, Omg- I'm malnurished - and dying- give- me- that-drumstick, I- wouldn't -change- my- life -for -the- world, this is- so- effing- awesome, I- cant- believe- that- I -get- to- live -this- life- everyday, and- get- paid -for -it...mad- dope...business... but, one day...I would like to share this awesome life that I get to live with somebody else who's also awesome (and fine...please be fine and talented...and driven...I've taken some L's in that department, and I ain't gone do it no more.) I am no longer an equal opportunity dater...If I gotta come with it...then SO. DO. YOU. (and Oh! I'm coming with it hunty!) snap* snap* We will see how that unfolds over this new year.
However, in the mean time...I am not starting this year out declaring my celibacy and all of that...I am not starting the year off with rules...rules literally are made to be broken, and I ain't doing it. (and they exhaust my soul) I ain't saying that I'ma be twerkin' it up, and giving out my diamonds all willy-nilly to the undeserving neither...(they all are undeserving by the way...because if you like it...you'll put a ring on it...you can collective groan if you want to...but what have YOU done that deserves me giving you the gift of amazingness that I am? Go ahead...I'll wait.NOT A DAMN THANG!)
I digress, I'm just saying that I am not going to put so much emphasis on it...the more you focus on something...the more it has control over you. The more you say...I am NOT going over there and droppin it like it's hot...the more you find yourself in interesting predicaments twerkin away, and walking the mile of shame in the mornin. I ain't doin it! and you can't make me! I just want the real thing folks...and I'm not willing to give away samples anymore. If you know you want a Lamborghini or a Bugatti...is a test drive REALLY necessary? A high end luxury dealership won't even entertain you if you aint got the funds to purchase...you're WASTING IMPORTANT TIME!! and time is money! YOU DON'T GET TO WASTE MY TIME! If that makes you feel some kind of way...you can do WHATEVER you want with YOUR cakes...I won't judge you...but uh...yeah. I'm done bustin' my buns.
.I am not starting the year off with rules...rules literally are made to be broken,
and I ain't doing it.
It's going to be an amazing year...I feel it in my bones. This time next year, I'm going to look in the mirror at somebody that I love even more than I already do now, and be like, "Yo, life is good....like THAT!" you with me??
#EasyLiving #PeaceBeyondUnderstanding #ILoveMyself #ImDope #LongRoadToGetHere #CuzImHappy #NoWorries #ItsAllWorkingTogether #IAmNotAfraid #KeepOnKeepinOn #ThereIsAPlanForYourLife #LiveBig #HomeIsBoring ##KeepFighting #KeepLoving #Aspergers #PositiveLifestyle #PositiveVibes #Divorce #Marriage #Faith #Love #Music #Blues #NewYorkCity #NYC
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not depend on your own understanding.
Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you what path to take