JJ's Coming of Age- Day 143- Spillin the Tea Part 1.- Grieving...and Nobody Died. Well...I did...Sortof.

"Grief is in two parts. 
The first is loss. 
The second is the remaking of life."
-Anne Roiphe

I'll be honest ( as usual) and say that I don't even know where to start this entry...*deep breath*

I mean...okay...

So, I'm kinda new to this whole blogging thing, and like my unconventional and sometimes extremely spontaneous self, just started writing and figured that I would figure out all of the ins and outs later. I guess today was later...because I JUST learned that  I needed to put labels on my posts so...*drumroll please* people could actually discover my blog! *ba dum ching* Don't judge me....you don't know my life. lol.

Anyhoo...there's a point to this story...Today for the first time, I had to go back over almost 2 years of posts so that I could add labels. Of course to add proper labels, I had to read my previous thoughts, confessions, and the like...and boy..,did I feel...naked! Not ashamed...but, just really exposed...not to ya'll out there...but, more so to myself. So, I guess I will spend this blog (or the next few) telling you what I learned by reading the posts, and also things that I have learned in between the posts, that I haven't had a chance to spill the tea on yet.

Okay first things first...Majority of my previous blog posts talk about depression, not fitting in, having issues with socializing, and knowing that I am a weirdo in many ways. I have always tried to maintain a positive outlook on these things, and of course remain transparent when I am having a rough time. I have learned over the years what my triggers are...relocating is one of them, and I have plenty of experience in that department (at one point I moved over 50 some odd times in 6 years)! So, upon moving to a new state...I decided to go back to seeing a therapist.

Although I had worked out pretty much all my issues from my past (illness and death of my son, my divorce (after only 11 months of marriage), past sexual, emotional, and mental abuse, overcoming being bullied as a kid, homelessness, etc.) I was still dealing with depression, anxiety, and loneliness. I figured I would be proactive in getting ahead of any anxiety over moving to a new environment by making sure I had a professional to talk out my feelings with. Trying to avoid the lowest lows, if possible.

 Upon completion of my FIRST session spent explaining what was going on with me...(Being a therapy crackerjack, I have learned how to box it up real neat into an hour session explaining my history and the like, so we can go on and get on with the new issues) my therapist then asked me if I had ever been tested for Asperger's Syndrome. No, I hadn't. Wasn't that like, autism or something? I wasn't autistic. Imagine my surprise when I did the testing, and came back with a strong positive diagnosis. Yes...yes, I was...am...on the autistic spectrum. Here's a proper definition of what it is: What IS Asperger's? , Basically, in short...its a rare developmental disorder affecting ability to effectively socialize and communicate.

I threw myself into researching this new condition. (She diagnosed me with PTSD as well...but, that's another post for another day.) However, the more that I read about Asperger's, the more the world began to come into clear focus. It changed my life in every way imaginable. It explained SO many things that I had struggled with my entire life. It gave me hope, it made me breathe a sigh of relief...I wasn't crazy afterall. It helped me to understand myself in ways that I never have before. It helped me to not feel so alone. There WERE people out there like me! It made me feel better...but first it made me...mad. Just like any other diagnosis or death...I  went through the 7 steps of grief. Afterall, My view and understanding of who I was...and why I was...was dead. Who I am in my head...my perception of me, and the color of the lens through which I view life will NEVER be the same again. That will knock you flat on your back, and takes a little bit (for me a whole lotta bit) of adjusting. Here is what I went through:

1. Shock & Denial- I read everything that I could get my hands on about Asperger's. I really didn't feel ANYTHING. I mean, obviously...I didn't physically FEEL any different, but everything WAS different. I painstakingly compared myself to everything that I read. I googled until I was cross eyed. I fell asleep on my computer, exhausted from PhD level research. I dreamed about Asperger's while I slept, and wrangled with my fluctuating thoughts about it while I was awake. I figured I probably should get a second opinion...maybe this doctor didn't know what she was talking about. But, the more I read...the more I saw myself accurately depicted in the materials I greedily injested. However, every time I read about somebody else's symptoms that I didn't experience- I would bounce back to questioning the professionalism and experience of the Doc. Where'd the quack go to school? (Harvard...and Emory...) She hadn't been practicing long enough!! (10 years...) Every objection I had to her experience and expertise was consistently debunked. She had no malpractice suits or anything like that. She had stellar ratings on every site I looked her up on...so obviously, it wasn't her...it was me...and my Rainman problems. Matter-of-fact I watched every movie I could find written about people with Asperger's or starred a character with the diagnosis...I binge watched Rainman, Joyful Noise, Temple Grandin, Napoleon Dynamite, Guardians of the Galaxy (Draxx), Mary and Max, Mozart & the Whale, Ben X, The Imitation Game (About Alan Turing, My Name is Khan, and The Accountant...  I started to feel something shortly after all of that...despair.

2 Pain & Guilt- I sobbed and cried. Stayed in bed... didn't eat for a couple of days at a time- it didn't matter what cursed names my stomach called me. It was like I was punishing my body for betraying me. I blamed myself for EVERYTHING that had ever went wrong. From things that Asperger's probably did have something to do with...like the breakdown in communication with some abruptly dissolved friendships over the years. To things that had nothing to do with it- like my estranged husband's inability to keep his peter in his pants, and his vows intact; or the gruesome drawn out death of my child from aggressive cancer --events that have NOTHING to do with my inability to make eye contact, inability to read body language, clumsiness, penchant for talking too much and laughing or crying at the wrong times.  But, nevertheless, in that space...everything was my fault. EVERYTHING! Why didn't I catch it earlier? I read so much all the time...how did I not figure this out? Everything I read said that Aspies are supposed to be so smart...how was I so dumb? Then came the rage...

3. Anger & Bargaining- I got mad...damn mad! The system had FAILED me...I had been to therapists for almost my whole life...and NOBODY figured this out!? I had attended some of the best and most forward thinking schools in the country, and NOBODY saw that I had issues. Not one soul perceived that my brain didn't work right?? And what about my parents...how did THEY not know something was wrong with me? My mother worked with the mentally ill...had advanced professional degrees, and saw NOTHING in her own child??? The NERVE! Eccentric is one thing...but, it was obvious that I was more than just eccentric! I obviously was two steps above being retarded! (don't judge me...how PC are you when you're mad? Think about it.) If they had caught this earlier...My life would have been easier! If they caught this...I could have learned how to live with this better...earlier. I could have been NORMAL! (Normal...what is that? A whole 'nother conversation in itself..but I regress...)  I got mad at God...why would He allow me to be this way??...why didn't He allow someone to figure it out sooner? Hadn't I been through enough in life? How unfair was it for me to live for 30 plus years being clueless? Maybe I wouldn't have made so many bad decisions on my journey to here. I was pissed! I'm talking about spitting and fighting mad...At everybody! Nobody could be trusted! Nobody cared about JJ! You know that scene where Tre' is fighting the air on the movie Boyz in the Hood after he witnesses his best friend, Ricky get shot and die in the alley? How I looked at this phase (* CAUTION---EXPLICIT clip*) But yeah,..that was me...until I found myself in a quivering, snotting, sobbing heap in the middle of the floor...

4. Depression, Reflection, & Loneliness- This was a tough time... a dark time. Days would go by without me taking a shower. I would only take one when I started to smell myself- only to put some pajamas back on , and get back into bed. Let me tell you, its horrible when you run yourself out of a room. I didn't eat alot...but, I drank alot. I recently took 32 empty alcohol bottles to the recycle thingy from that time period. I barely left my condo. I barely ever spoke on the phone, and couldn't get through a conversation without my voice cracking and tears falling down my face...so mostly, I just laid in the bed, and watched the ceiling fan silently spin round and round- allowing my thoughts of self loathing and pity wash over me. I had groceries or food delivered when ever I did eat. I cried alot. And thought about throwing myself over my balcony a few times. Then I would look down (I lived on the 28th floor) and changed my mind...That would be making a big mess for no reason, and I really didn't want to die...just to end my mind's flittering 24 hour jaunt around all of my life's ****ups. I thought about EVERY bad thing that had happened to me over the last 34 years, and I felt worse and worse. Imagining how I could have handled things differently, and acting out what I would have said if I only just knew that my mind worked differently from every one else's. I replayed all the situations in my mind of all the times people hurt me, took advantage of my niavte, screwed me in business deals, worked me over for money and connections, threw me under the bus for things that they themselves did, and abused my kindness and inability to see their mean spirited and selfish motives and agendas. I relived every. single. one. I had nightmares, and frequently woke up with a scream on my lips. I was embarrassed, and felt that everybody probably looked at me like a weirdo, talked about me behind my back, and felt sorry for me. I felt like everybody probably knew something was wrong with me...but, me. I fought against the urge to hate myself, until I resumed my therapy sessions. I couldn't get a hold on my thoughts, and began to scare myself. And I was so lonely that I felt like I was dying inside.

5. The Upward Turn- As I continued to see my therapist, and read and study about my condition...I found blogs, help and support groups, Facebook groups, and the like. I started identifying with other Aspie's stories that I read, realizing that the thoughts and feelings that I had were normal. I began to look at my diagnosis as just something that I would have to figure out and learn to live with. I started to looking at how to channel my angst and confusion into my music and writing, and began to dream up business ideas, songs,scripts, and chapters of my book again. I also began to inform my friends and family of the diagnosis. They were very helpful in that they all weren't surprised, but they were supportive, and non-judgmental. The best thing was that none of them treated me any differently. They all loved and cheered me on the same way that they had before the news. If anything, it just helped them to understand me better, and answered their own questions that they had about me and my behavior. (Like my inability to "see" peoples intentions- even when they tried to inform me before things happened, or my habit of talking incessantly about myself, and why I was so clumsy all the time). They made me laugh, and called a little more often, just to check in on me...and make sure that I was okay. I don't have alot of friends...but, the couple that I do have...proved to be "ride or die" in this situation, and their unwavering support helped boost my morale to push forward toward figuring out how to live and thrive with Asperger's.

6. Reconstruction & Working Through- I began to share my diagnosis publicly. Ironically, a couple of people that I have been cool with for many years shared the same diagnoses. We had been kindred spirits and never really knew why. Now we speak frequently via online, and serve as support for one another. It was very helpful to me to help encourage and support other people who had just received their own diagnosis...(My obsessive reading came in handy). I learned how to stop and truly THINK things through. Being aware of my "deficiency" I adjusted how I reacted to things (i.e...Calmly talking through situations with people. Explaining to them that I had Asperger's and that I wanted to make sure that we were certainly on the same page, to please be patient with me, and to VERBALLY DIRECTLY inform me of what they needed, wanted, or expected from me, and to not rely on body language or tone of voice, because it most likely would be misinterpreted.) I also learned how to cut people out of my life when they exhibited signs of deceit, lack of integrity, or ill-will the FIRST time. I can't accurately ascertain cloudy and shady behavior, I don't have the make-up that allows me to properly read people and their intentions beyond the surface level- what you say is what it is, and if what you DO is different than what you SAY, then that is a clear indication that I need to quickly exit right- No explanations are needed. I know that I am unable to correctly dissect multi-layer motives- so I don't bother anymore because usually, I am the one who is going to end up hurt. I also did plenty of reading up on Sociopaths (via my therapists suggestion)...seems that Aspies are some of their favorite targets. The more I read, the more I realized that I had been surrounded with them my entire life. Arming yourself with knowledge certainly can help you to identify who needs to be a person that you keep distance from, and what traits to look for. I also learned how to calm myself down in social situations without utilizing alcohol. (I literally drink 1 percent of what I used to...which is barely anything). I learned how to recognize when anxiety is creeping up and how to separate myself, do breathing exercises to quell the feelings of angst and worriment, and how to accurately plan my day so that I don't become overstimulated- causing me tp freak out, have melt-downs and shutdowns. I started to understand myself, my needs, and how to work around my "limitations". Therapy was a tremendous help to finding my place of peace.

7. Finally came Acceptance & Hope- This is where I am now. I have a new tattoo on my forearm of Tinker Belle, a Unicorn, and Wonder Woman Symbol and Cuffs. It is a daily reminder that having Asperger's is not a "limitation", but it makes me special. It helps me to tap into my musical and artistic abilities. It helps me to see the world differently than everyone else. It numbs me, and makes me fairly unshaken by failures in my reality...because it jolts me into an alternate universe where I  have lucid visions and dreams of what I aim to accomplish. Asperger's is my super power. I believe in magic, and that I am indestructible, that all things are truly possible to them who believe. I believe that I truly can dream up some of the most amazing songs, melodies, and businesses because of my brain focusing on things the way that it does. I see notes when I sing...I see a business idea from the finish and work backwards to the beginning. I can pretty much read about anything and figure out how to do something that I want to do. It never crosses my mind that it is impossible...just that I have to ask the right questions, and I'll get the right answers. Everything is like piecing together a puzzle to me, and every puzzle can be completed with time, patience, determination, and focus. I may not think, process information, or communicate like everyone else...but, I am beautifully and wonderfully made. No matter how long it took for me to learn of my magical gift...I know now, and life from this point on is going to be absolutely amazing.

An Asperger's diagnosis is not a death sentence, but a birth certificate. It helped me to identify why I've made some decisions that I have in life (good and bad) and how to make better ones. It helped me understand why I've had such a difficult time up until this point and also, why some other things have come so easily. Everything happens for a reason, and truly...I'm learning to be proud of being an Aspie. Mostly, because it is who I am...and I am proud to be me.
#LifesABeach #Aspergers #MySuperpower #ImASuperhero #IKnewIWoreCapesForAReason #IMeanLikeSeriously #MyGrownSelfWearsSuperHeroCapes #AndIGiveNoCares #ImaCreepImaWeirdo#FiguringThisThingOut #SomeCallMeABeautifulMess #SomoneElseCalledMeAnIdiotSavant #IllNeverLetHimLiveThatOneDown #NotAnIdiotMaybeALittleSavantish #QuirkyAndQool #HashtagAbuser #DontJudgeMeYouDontKnowMyLife #TheGirlWithThePurpleHair #HappyToBeMe #Finally 

                                   Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! 
                  Your workmanship is marvelous-- how well I know it. - Psalm 139:14 NLT