Jj's Year of Coming Of Age- Day 150 - Spillin' the Tea- Part 2- What is this Aspen Burger's Stuff You Say You've Got? (A-H)

"When you die, others who think they know you, will concoct things about you...Better pick up a pen and write it yourself, for you know yourself best."

-Sholom Aleichem

I know that there's alot of you out there asking- what is this Asperger's?  It's basically social autism. In my case (each person deals with different symptoms in their own unique way) Here's a "proper" explanation from one of my favorite blogs, Aspergiangal- What is Aspergers?  I'm not Napoleon Dynomite, or Rainmain...I'm not some genius kick ass assasin like Ben Affleck on the movie 'The Accountant' either...I'm just me...Some of my traits are like superpowers...they give me extra cool abilities...while others are just a pain in the glutes. I'll start with the negative and finish up with all of my Aspie Wonder Woman superdom...for ME, some symptoms of Asperger's are:

A.  I don't make eye contact (well, I've learned to, but I don't like to, and I keep it as brief as possible). And if I do make eye contact with you...usually...it's way too long, and uncomfortable for all parties involved. I end up staring at you, and not saying anything....aaawwwkwaaard!! But, on the other hand...I feel like I'm missing something, and really naked when I am talking to someone and failing to make eye contact. I mean, you can see me...but, I can't see you. You can see my whole thought processing procedure, and I can but only hear your voice. There is no even ground. Either I am avoiding your gaze like my main man Stevie Wonder or staring at you like this...

Either way...it sucks. Not sexy...at all. Sometimes I totally wide eyed stare at people and totally weird them out, and by the time that I catch it, either some creepy dude thinks that I'm flirting with him and is slithering my way, or some girl wants to beat me down, cuz she thinks that I'm googly eyeing her man or "oh no she didn't"-ing her outfit. When, I wasn't intentionally doing either one. Honestly, I probably wasn't even really "looking" at anyone in particular- maybe just the color of their skin. or the way that the sun reflected off of a button, or wondering how hot her coffee was as she drank it. I've been cussed out a few times behind this...so...revert back to the initial statement...I try to avoid eye contact...Having a running internal conversation with yourself, trying to figure out and maintain the proper eye gaze time quotient that says, "I see you, acknowledge and respect you, but am not a weirdo sycophant psychopath who wants to wear your face as a mask." is exhausting.

B. While I am NOT a socio nor psychopath... I AM a weirdo (I have learned to take solace in this), who knows a whole lot about a few things that REALLY interest ME that some people care about, and some don't. Either way, I tend to bore people with my endless knowledge of those few subjects. (These subject matters being: Asperger's, The Natural Food Industry, Veganism, Music (artistic integrity in Songwriting), Screenwriting, Human Rights (The Hungry, The Homeless, The Preyed Upon) Big Pharma, Natural Medicine, The Definitions of Words, Faith and Religions (Spirituality as a whole), Interior Decorating (ideally Mid-Century Mod), Conspiracy Theories (I'm not crazy, I just know the truth), Personality Assessments, Psychiatry....and well... me.) Which brings me to my next symptom...

C. I tend to talk about me...alot. I'm not arrogant or egotistical. It's simply that I am an expert on me, and how I feel, and have no filter or qualms talking honestly about myself. So I talk about me...alot. And typically, talking about me...tends to help me work out things. Hearing myself talk about myself out loud...helps me to figure out what I should do with myself. Most times, I realize that I have high-jacked yet another conversation after the fact to talk about...myself...and I feel horribly. I want to crawl into a corner. I feel selfish, and self-centered, sel-absorbed, rude, and usually embarrassed. When in all actuality, at the moment...I just felt like I had a helpful anecdote that could help the person that was currently talking to understand that I understand, sympathize and/or empathize with the thoughts or circumstances that they are communicating. But, it's when I see THIS face... I realize that I have managed to do it again...

D. "It again"...is that in addition to talking about me...alot... I tend to talk too much in general...about everything, and don't really read when people are tired of listening. I don't read facial expressions, nor tones of voice very well. (I've learned to recognize the one above...but, by the time I see that one...usually, the damage is done, and the person doesn't really want to talk to me anymore.) Often, I take contextual clues from the conversation and can assume how a person is feeling. However, to look at a face or listen to the tone of a voice...most times, I have no clue, and keep blabbing on. And most times, people don't take my advice when I give them my permission ahead of time to inform me if I offend them by inadvertently cutting them off, or am droning on in a monotone voice about something that they could care less about. I honestly would rather you just man up and tell me to shut up, than shut me out.

I am well aware that I feel it necessary to employ the license to tell very minute details and give lengthy backstories when I am telling one of my anecdotes. I have a point...I promise I do...Most times people don't hang around long enough to hear it though. I don't talk on the phone much anymore..."Hey J, Let me call you back..." is a commonplace. I'd rather not hear that...So,  I text to keep in touch with, and check on people. That seems to work out better. I also just hold the phone and listen alot now...and refrain from speaking all together. My therapist and I are working on it. You know, finding balance... It was pretty lonely til I got a steady boyfriend. (He actually prefers that I talk, even when I insist that he talk...strangely enough...he likes to listen...even to my long twisty, bendy, lengthy stories...he has the patience of a Kindergarten teacher. I am thankful...and loved.)

E. I'm normally the last person to get the joke. I used to just laugh, and pretend that I understood...now, I don't. I don't know, I think the fake laugh is obvious...It wasn't funny to me...not because you're not funny...you're probably on your way to the top, and the next Lenny Bruce...but, because I didn't catch it. I will, eventually in my own time. So if I laugh 15 minutes after everybody else...just let it go. However, I DO have a sense of humor. It's usually childish, rather lewd, and slapstick in nature. You know, the stuff that you aren't supposed to laugh about...The un-PC stuff. I tend to laugh really loud, until I am clapping and rocking back and forth like a seal...and punctuate my gasping for air with a uber dorky snort. (A few of my friends stand and wait for the snort...they think it's hilarious...I don't mind.) #DontJudgeMeYouDontKnowMyLife Matter-of- fact...#DontJudgeMeCuzILaughOutloudAboutStuffYouLaughAboutInTheDark

F. I often can be viewed as "niave" because I take things at face value...I ask "Are you joking or for serious?" more than I would like to admit. I expect people to mean what they say, and say what they mean. I say what I think and/or feel, and don't harbor ulterior motives, agendas, or double speak. It can be quite confusing and heartbreaking to me when someone tries to be manipulative, controlling and parasitic towards me (something else that happens more than I'd like to admit.). People also end to shun, belittle, trick, and betray me frequently as well...alhough, not as much as when I was a teenager and in my early 20's...but, still...it is quite annoying.

 Aspies tend to be targets for bullying (even as adults), abuse, sociopaths, unscrupulous business deals, and cons because of our tendency to divulge an excess of personal information, our sometimes naive and trusting nature, and underdeveloped social skills. Most of us have hearts of gold though. And we tend to feel a little deeper than nuerotypicals (fancy speak for all ya'll wonderfully "normal" folks without Asperger's). I guess it's our senses being turned up so high. But when someone hurts us...we feel it in every cell and fiber of our being. It's often enough to send us into a down spiral.

G. I suffer from manic depression, anxiety, PTSD, and previously dark thoughts of suicide. (The diagnosis alone has helped with those thoughts significantly...knowing truly is half the battle.Now, when they try to rear their ugly head...I recognize them quicker, and know how to deal better.) However, if you are reading this and YOU have dark thoughts, and need to speak with someone, or need help call this number (National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Call 1-800-273-8255) they are available 24/7/365.

 I believe that hormones probably affect my chemical makeup more than some others. (It is believed that us Aspies' brains are configured a little different than ya'lls') so "that time of the month" really SUCKS...big time...lows are REALLY low, and the upswing is really high...before it settles into a "normal". My doctor wants to medicate me, however, I am reverting back to veganism, and that should help a bit. (I'll deal with that more in another Spillin the Tea Post...as there is alot to spill, and I think there will be quite a few in this series.) Having a non-meat, non-dairy, gluten-free diet has actually proven to show benefits to those with autism. I don't like unnecessary chemicals in my body anyway- so natural is the way that I am going. Alot of the depression and anxiety comes from having to deal with certain social situations, and also in response to isolation. I'm fine around people for awhile, and then after some time--the voices, conversations, lights, music playing in the background, people brushing against me, my phone ringing (or me playing games, texting or facebooking), even my own clothes brushing against my skin...begin to grate my nerves...and I have to escape. But, once I do...I am great initially, but then the loneliness returns. 

H.  I don't have a whole lot of close friends- the one's I do have were no where near surprised by the diagnosis. If any thing it just confirmed their suspicions. (That was hard for me- no one likes to feel like the people that they love, have always looked at them like they were a little off or like a burden.) Most people just consider me an eccentric, and I'm fine with that. But, they usually don't stick around long enough to create real relationships and get to know me, or for me get to know them deeply.

My deepest desires are to know people on the most intimate levels. Which tends to make most folks a little uncomfortable. But, small talk that skitters along the surface irritates and discombobulates me, but that's where people tend to like to maintain communication. So, most times its just better to keep my distance.

I tend to call things as I see them...and can be rather blunt.  And because of my blunt manner....many people think that I am an A-hole...they got the "A" part right...it's just Asperger's folks...what you see (or what I see...) is what you get (sometimes I am able to maintain more couth and tact than others--if I catch myself.) I never seek to hurt anyone's feelings, scout's honor. I'm just being honest when I tell you that your shoes don't match your outfit...because they don't, and I would think that you would want to know...or hell, maybe you did it on purpose. It never crossed my mind that you were "an hour away from your house and don't now have the luxury to change, and in turn are self conscious about your appearance...and thanks alot." I'm sorry lady...I was just trying to help by making an observation. (true story).

(To Be Continued...)

#Aspergers #AspergersAwareness #IJustWantPeopleToUnderstand #IAdmitIDidntReallyKnowWhatItWasUntilIWasDiagnosedWithIt #KnowThyselfAndToThineOwnSelfBeTrue #MyLifeWillNeverBeTheSame #HappyToBeMe
#IWontComplain #ItsLikeLearningYourselfAllOverAgain #OrRealizingThatYouDidntKnowYourselfInTheFirstPlace #LifeIsAFunnyThing #LivingAuthentically #ItsOkayToNotHaveItAllTogether #GodAllowedMeToBeThisWayOnPurpose #HeDoesntMakeAnyMistakes #HisGraceIsSufficientForMe

"Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, "My grace is all you  need. My power works best in weakness." So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That's why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

-2 Corinthians 12:10