Jj's Year of Coming Of Age: Day 152- Spillin' the Tea -Part 3- Chronicles of the Sidechick Wife...Not a Typo.

livid, adj.

[Screw] you for cheating on me. [Screw] you for reducing it to the word cheating. As if this were a card game, and you sneaked a look at my hand. Who came up with the term cheating, anyway? A cheater, I imagine. Someone who thought liar was too harsh. Someone who thought devastator was too emotional. The same person who thought, oops, he's gotten caught with his hand in the cookie jar. [Screw] you. This isn't about slipping yourself an extra twenty dollars of Monopoly money. These are our lives. You went and broke our lives. You are so much worse than a cheater. You killed something. And you killed it when its back was turned"

-David Levithan, The Lover's Dictionary

I'm gonna get back to my Asperger's list tomorrow...but, I had something really interesting happen today...and I want to talk to ya'll about it... I've got a question for you...

"Would you stay with your man if he cheated on you, and a baby was conceived out of the infidelity?"

This was a question that I encountered today in cyberworld. I was purely astounded by the answers...

"If we are just dating no," said one woman... she continued, "but, if we are married...that's different...vows are really serious."

*blink* *blink*

"Heeeell no!!" says another woman...
"Right on sistah!" I think in my head...
until another "woke" woman comments underneath and says..."you don't KNOW what real love is until you have experienced a man cheating on you, and you forgive him for his faults and mistakes...ijs"

Others went on about unconditional love...not letting the other woman have her man...not lettiing the other woman break up her family...loving the new baby as their own...embracing the mans mistake...loving him through the darkness...forgiveness being a lifestyle...staying on their face for God to heal the relationship...comments about people make mistakes...some even said that they would stay if he was honest about it.

I sat there looking at my computer...blown. completely. away.
Did I used to be one of these women?
Did I used to think that MY "true love" truly conquered all...even a weasel of  spouse who can't manage to keep his skiddy mer rink a dinky dink in the proper place?
I pondered and allowed old memories to briefly flood my memory banks...and realized...yes..yes...I was... and it made me plum flat-foot MAD!

My boyfriend looked at me unbothered as he listened patiently to my 15 (maybe 20) minute monologue/rant about how society has brainwashed women into thinking that being a "ride or die" woman to a man, even in the face of blatant infidelity and disrespect is something worth a badge of honor and all the pomp and circumstance that comes with it. I passionately defended my case by stating that men don't do that to themselves...a woman cheats and winds up pregnant (and doesn't try to convince him that it's his) he is two sheets in the wind! He is leaving an imprint in the front door...Despite what they say on Maury...when he gets home...that's a different story...He is OUT!

He and I laughed as I told him that if he came home talking about that he had a baby on the way...he better go ahead and make sure that his affairs are in order for his daughter- that his daughter's mother knows how to access his retirement funds, and her inheritance...and for him to tell his daughter, his new baby mama, and his own mama goodbye. Cuz, after 10 years of us back and forth up and down...breaking up, making up...tattooing names...snottin, cryin...depressions...I'm not speaking to you's...growing up...experiencing nightmares with other people...reconciliation...our friends rolling their eyes at the Jen and Sim saga...and FINALLY getting it right...If he cheats on me at this point...he has signed his own death certificate.

I found the mirth in his eyes sexy...He laughed and said that he wouldn't ever come home...he knew better. And, that men are idiots who do such things and have the huevos to actually fall asleep next to the women they betrayed and eat food that she has cooked. He went on to say..."besides babe, you wouldn't kill me... You'd be mad...but, I mean, you wouldn't go to jail because I did something stupid?" I "humphed" gave him the side eye and twisted lips, and a whole lot of silence. I think he got the message. Ain't nobody say anything about getting caught.

Fortunately, all jokes aside...(side-eye still present) my love doesn't have a penchant for dallying. So, I'm not worried about this situation...It's part of the reason that we are together. There is a serenity and indescribable peace to not have to worry about his whereabouts, his communication with other women, his love for me...etc. I have full access to his life...and he makes sure that I feel secure in our relationship by being honest and forthcoming about everything....I mean, EVERYTHING... (Even when I give him the death stare, and tell him that I don't want to hear it- dating a rock musician is something else- Ya'll women ain't spit.) Regardless of what stank things groupie-types do...He just really doesn't get down like that...He genuinely feels that intellectually and character-wise its beneath him, and I am thankful.

Afterall, I've had more than enough of my share of men cheating, having babies...GETTING MARRIED...having WHOLE WIVES, lives, and families while "dating" me. It feels stupendously peachy to not have to worry about the tomfoolery. The most that we might argue about at this point is me reorganizing his rare Prince music and DVD collection...true story...(He's a diehard fan, with thousands of dollars of memorabilia...and I moved some CD's because they were messing up my feng shui in our bedroom...(they weren't all uniform...and it made me feel like my insides were imploding. It was like a 30 second dialogue...and it was over...that is our equivalent of an argument...life went on...and the Prince CD's have a new more organized and fully protected home -see...compromise!

I've dealt with more clowns and guerilla wolves that were out to use, abuse, and violate than I'd like to remember...never ever again!! Having a man that genuinely just wants to love, respect, honor, protect, and take care of me is a breath of fresh air...and my "I-am-Wonder-Woman-Dazzling-Purple-Unicorn-She-Ra-Empowered-Diva-I-Can-Do-Anything-You-Can-Do-Better-Hear-Me-Roar-Self" is going to let him do it...yes I am...

Anyway, I regress...I was dumbfounded by all of these women who wore being disrespected and cheated on as a badge of honor. Like because they stayed with their philandering two-bit husband...it made them a stronger and more honorable woman. What the tar-heel hades is going on here???

"You're bitter..." one woman told me.
"Nah...I'm not bitter..." I responded..."I'm mad as hell!"
and rightfully so...all these beautiful precious sisters (of all races, creeds, sizes, classes, and vocations) are being bamboozled and hoodwinked into believing that they have to accept the wayward behavior of these no good men! Society and media portray us as being strong if we stay...and selfish and weak if we walk away...I say HORSE BALONEY!

I explained...that I too had experienced the pain of a unfaithful spouse...and unlike many of the other women taking part in the discussion. I felt that the S on my chest was awarded when I finally learned to love myself and walk away...never to look back.

"God will take our mess and make it a beautiful message...and our test a powerful testimony...however, we also have to allow our less to teach us a lesson..."

Once upon a time...I thought that staying with a man who made the "mistake" of sleeping with other women (Not one...MULTIPLE over the course of months!) was me showing how dedicated I was to my marriage. That my faith in my God would turn what was meant for bad into good. That me staying would show my husband that I truly loved him, and whatever was broken on the inside of him-we could work on together. I would stay by his side, and we could overcome it. (Even though my super smart, super wise, and super saved 70 year old father even told me that it was okay for me to leave my adulterine husband, and that he probably would never change).

Nevertheless... I prayed...fasted...got counseling (by myself, because he wouldn't go)...made deals with God...wrote out petition prayers...turned the other cheek...kept a clean house...made elaborate dinners...slept with him as often as I could...brought majority of the money in the house and still honored him as the "head of the household", didn't nag...wrote him love letters...did the love dare...spent time with and LOTS of money on his children...lost weight...changed my hair...bought more flattering clothes...supported his dreams...stayed home while he went out with his friends, continued to help him run his business (that he refused to share any of the profits from), openly talked about his infidelity with him (he admitted to sleeping with other women) and expressed my love and forgiveness...I did everything and ANYTHING that I could think of to do to heal my broken piece of caca marriage. And he STILL continued to cheat...guess what I learned...a person cheats...because they want to...and they don't care about your feelings...they don't care about hurting you...they are selfish, self-absorbed, irresponsible, childish, and cruel...and it's not. your. fault. and you deserve more...staying with a philandering man is not a requirement to be a good woman. It's a requirement to be a dumb one though. 

Look...Let me try to balance this out...even though you already know what side I stand on...But, I personally know of a couple of women that have stayed with their husbands through infidelity. On the surface now, looking at them...years have passed and they seem to truly be happy. To me...they are exceptions to the rule...I don't know what's happening behind closed doors...nor is it any of my business...I'm not in the practice of telling women to leave their marriages (ya'll gone do what you want to anyway)...

However, I AM an advocate of telling the truth. Old adages become adages because they are born out of truth. If it wasn't true...people wouldn't see any reason to keep repeating it. "Once a cheater...always a cheater" has become an age old saying...because it is derived from truth...The proof is in the pudding...Numbers don't lie. 47% of women who have cheated once become serial cheaters. 44% of men... Huffington Post reports on a recent study that suggests that people who cheat are 3.5 times more likely to do it again...Don't believe me? You can read it for yourself HERE. 

Ya'll can do whatever you choose to...but for me...where I stand now...is...you cheat. I'm gone. the first time. No questions asked. Period. Stampies...no erasies, and no looking back. Fineto. You're outta here! Your reasons for being a liar, home wrecker and a savage are irrelevant. You knew that cheating would hurt me,..and yet you did it anyway...and probably still would be doing it if you hadn't been caught. I forgive you...but, you made your choice when you stepped out and violated our mutual agreement of fidelity. I'm done. Adios, Au revoir, Auf Wiedersehen, Ciao, Arrivederci, Tchau, Dueces, Swerve, HOLLA! Buh-Bye! 

The only regret that I have of my marriage is that I didn't leave sooner. I prayed and prayed...and begged God to change a situation that He never put me in the first place, and had already said no about. I wasted 2 years of my life with a man that didn't love me, respect me, truly want me...had no intentions to change, nor desired to be anything different. You can be the most Bible knowing, tounge speaking, praise dancing, worship singing, holy living, 40 day fastin, good wifin (or husbandin') person in the world...but, you can't change a person's will...you can't make anybody love you. no matter how much you bring to the table...you are only going to get up empty-handed if a person's ideal of you is that you are a usable commodity that they can pick up and put down whenever they so choose. God blessed me in the middle of my mess...but, it certainly wasn't His best for me. 

When people show you who they are...believe them...and typically...if a woman conceives a child by your husband...despite what either one of them says...the likelihood is that it wasn't a one time thing. It was some semblance of a relationship, they didn't just meet in the grocery store, and slip and fall on top of each other and accidentally have sex in the produce isle, this was planned...premeditated...thought out...nurtured...entertained...and followed through on...(and 9 times out of 10 they weren't using any protection.) Either way...I'm done. I didn't ask for that child, or that situation...and it's not my responsibility nor my duty to take care of it nor you. That is between you and it's mother. Best wishes to you both...hope that works out for you. And the fact of the matter that you are sleeping with someone else UNPROTECTED (no telling who SHE is sleeping with)...and then coming home to your unsuspecting wife (who has no reason to be concerned about contracting any sexually transmitted diseases, because SHE is in a monogamous, committed MARRIAGE!) is equatable to rape...because she did not ask nor agree to what you are exposing her to. You made the decision to put her life on the line...all by yourself- without her consent. You CAD!

In the darkness of living as a sidechick wife, I endured: loneliness, thoughts of suicide, deep depression, binge drinking, throwing myself into the arms of the church and finding hurt there as well...and I struggled with a daily internal fight to not blow his brains out with the pistol in the bedside drawer (me informing him that a lesser woman already would have done the deed is what finally caused him to pack his mess and get out--he moved in with one of his main sidepieces.) Many hours and thousands of dollars worth of therapy later...I learned my worth. 

I learned that unconditional love does not mean that you get to stomp all over me, and use my forgiveness as a parachute into the next woman's bed, because you know that I am "trusting God" to fix our sham of a marriage.

It means that you aren't qualified to receive my unconditional love and commitment...because you betrayed and broke the vow that you made to me before God, and our whole entire family and group of friends. When a man (or woman) continues to violate their promises and your boundaries...they don't love you. And what they are doing is emotionally and mentally abusing you. They have become your enemy...while you love your enemy (because they are a human being...and all human beings- despite their horribleness are God's creations and we love them...) you don't have to sleep with or remain married to them. 

I learned to love myself, and to never allow anyone to treat me any less than what I'm worth. I am worthy of commitment. I am worthy of a man being completely and totally in love with me and our future together that he would rather die than cheat on me or break my trust. I am worthy of someone cherishing and honoring me...and loving me as Christ loves the church. 

And I will not...not in the least bit...settle for less. That is what the darkness of living as a sidechick- wife taught me...That I'm flippin' awesome...and if you love me...just as I love you...you will do EVERYTHING in your power to NEVER hurt me. That's what love does...Despite what people think...It does no harm...it doesn't intentionally hurt. Loving you...does not mean that I forget how to love me...Loving you...does not mean that I have to let you abuse me...

See... I have these conversations with folks because... I have this innate desire to understand people, their psychology and motives for doing things. The way that I gather my data is by engaging in conversations. (preferably online) people are more honest online. (well...most of the time). Usually, there are spirited conversations, where we keep things positive and uplifting while sharing our views. I get to see other peoples viewpoints, sometimes play devil's advocate...but, most of all..walk away from the conversation with more knowledge about people. And how my experience fits in the grand scheme of life...I usually end up with a better understanding of myself and of others. Most times we all agree and go happily about our lives...sometimes, we agree to disagree and still move on, staying connected as social media friends, and periodically engaging in informative exchange. 

But, today! I just couldn't wrap my head around why we do this to ourselves...why do women choose to stay with double-crossing men? Why do we fight so fiercely for our right to be used and abused by them? So of course...I went to the big wide world of the web. And did some research. reading numerous articles...Here were the top 10 reasons...

A woman might choose to stay with a man who cheats because....

1. She is crazy in love...Playing Beyonce's Lemonade over and over and over...if Bey and Jay can work out...so can we...

2. She's invested time, energy, and money...She would rather work on the relationship than cut her losses.

3. She's financially dependent on him...this applies to gold diggers and non-gold diggers...even if they aren't in love anymore.

4. She has a history with him...all those memories that wont keep her warm at night.

5. She has kids with him...and now he has kids with someone else...I'm sayin...what about his OTHER family now? And what kind of example does that teach Jr. and baby girl about how they should treat their spouse and be treated?

6. She's possessive of him...so...she's gonna mark...and keep her territory...so the other woman can't have him...but...the gag is...she already has.

7. She has low self-esteem- studies show that women who don't love and value themselves actually attract cheaters...If a woman doesn't care about her self-worth she will be quick to brush away indiscretions, make excuses for him, and she won't feel that she is wonderful enough to do better.

8. She's convinced that he will change...refer to above-mentioned statistics...survey says... he probably, most likely wont.

9. She's afraid of the unknown...Get out of the "comfort zone" girl...It obviously ain't comfortable anymore...and let yourself be great!

10. She hates failure...you didn't fail...he did. Move around.

I don't know about you...but...none of those above-mentioned reasons are convincing enough to settle for less than the best...You are amazing...you are beautiful...you are awesome...you are worthy...you are wonderful...you are precious...you are royal...you are lovable...you is smart...you is kind...you is impohtant...don't let anyone treat you any less. Chin up princess, or the crown slips.

#YouCanBeMadAtMeAllYouWantTo #YouKnowThatBoyIsALoserAndACreep #YouKnowHeStillSleepingWithThatGirlToo #YouKnowYouCanDoBetter #StopMakingMenPayYourBillsAndYouWontHaveToSettleForWhateverPartOfHimHeGivesYou #RefuseToBeTheSideChickWife #UpgradeYourselfYouDeserveIt #APieceOfManIsNotBetterThanHavingNone #NoneWontCheatOnYouAndMakeYouFeelWorthless #TrustMeOnThatOne #LearnToLoveYourself #ThisIsNotToDumpOnMyEx #ForgetHim #ThisIsToHelpSomebody #NobodyEverWantsToAdmitTheyPlayedTheFool #WellIWasDumbDumbDiddy #ButIAintNoFoolNoMore #OnlyFoolWasMe #WroteASongAboutItLikeTaHearItHereItGo

For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her...In the same way husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church.

Ephesians 5: 25, 28-29