JJ's YEAR OF DESTINY- DAY 6- When It Hurts So Bad, Whys It Feel So Good?

"72 hours of hard labor is what it took to get my son here.
No matter how hard I fought to not feel it- I had to surrender to the deep contractions that wracked my body to the core. 
15 years later...I remember the experience....but, I feel none of the pain.
Yet, I can still feel the awe of when he was placed in my arms. 
It was all worth it.
When I come out of this hard labor...this soul crushing thing...
I will remember the journey...but I will feel none of the pain.
When I look back at this dark spot in my history. 
I will stand in awe at where God brought me from and to...
I will give birth to my new future. 
This trial...my breaking, my surrendering- will all be worth it-
When I hold my dreams close to my heart." -jj thames.

Today, in my humanity...I feel weaker than ever. But, in my spirit...I am full, big, fulfilled ...satiated. As sleep tugs at my eyelids...I know that when I lay down, I will have one of the most peaceful sleeps that I've had in months. Today, another layer of the onion came off...underneath it, I was surprised. I discovered that I am not as damaged as I thought that I was...I'm a beautiful perfect mess. Just how God likes it, because its in my mess...that I am able to give Him something that the angels in heaven that sing high praises to him all day, and all night can't even give Him...My CHOICE to worship Him- when everything that could possibly go wrong- is...My CHOICE to seek Him- even when it seems like He's forsaken me...My CHOICE to cry out to Him, dance before Him, tell Him how great He is, Give my talent, time and treasure to Him, love on Him, sing to Him, thank Him, allow tears to fall for Him, kneel before Him, be intimate with Him- enjoy His Presence...even when I'm weak...broken...imperfect...confused...hurt...angry...don't know what to pray for, or really even what to say...tired, and lonely, and He seems so far away...intangible...inaudible...unhuggable...untouchable...I still CHOOSE and will continue to CHOOSE to worship Him for who He is...for His creation His sacrifice, His ultimate love, His grace, and perfect plans. 

In the midst of this trial (divorce), I've done something that I haven't done before (and I've had plenty of life changing, earth shattering trials)...The other times, I ran from anybody or anything that reminded me of what I was running from...and searched within myself for the brute inner strength, grit my teeth and bear it fortitude to push on- To fight...to overcome. 

This time,after 2 long years of fighting for my relationship turned marriage, I was too tired to run- and really had nowhere to run to. So, I planted my feet, and I kept worshiping God through it. I kept going to church (except for one Sunday ;-)) I've stayed connected with godly people that are  always lifting me up in prayer. I allowed myself to break...to feel...to mourn...and finally to climb up in God's lap, look him in the eyes with my big brown eyes overflowing with tears, hand Him the pieces of my mutilated heart, and choking back sobs, implore..."Daddy, it hurts...fix it." And, God loved me so much that almost a YEAR ago (before I even got married...) He started preparing a minister from my church to speak a powerful word in due season. He already planned today-knowing my end from my beginning...He spoke to me loud and clear, telling me exactly what I needed to know for this season. I've heard the sentiment before- that "we must praise our way to and through our breakthrough." But, today...it was tailored specifically for me. It was as if God was sitting right next to me, and talking to me DIRECTLY about MY situation. What I got was this...

It's okay to be weak. Matter of fact, its the best thing to be- because when you finally come to the end of yourself...your self-sufficiency, your confidence in your abilities and things, your limited human insight, your feelings that lie to you...when you reach the end of your understanding...your wisdom...your street smarts...your tough exterior...your pride...your plans...you drop to your knees, and you look up...Only then, are you ready to be truly anointed and used mightily for God's purposes. It's okay to completely fall apart...
it hurts like hell...but, It feels good too, because God WILL put you back together, but, when He does...you will know where your strength, ability, wisdom, knowledge, hope, joy, faith, purpose, dreams, provision, protection, love, future, health, wealth, abilities, drive, and beauty come from. It's not in us...It's all in Him, and about Him. It's Him IN us...that makes us strong. Not our own might. It's Him IN us that gives us purpose and identity. When we understand that...we don't have such a problem giving up our "rights", as a thinking, calculating, maneuvering free moral agent, attempting to be God in our own lives...and decide to follow, and depend on Jesus at all costs. We don't fear weakness...but, instead welcome it, because we know that it draws Him close, and allows Him to work on our behalf- to see His awesomeness and miracle working power in our lives. 

Many people throughout the years have said, "JJ, You are one of the strongest people I've ever known." I think I used to take pride in that...well pride really does come before fall...I've fallen... hard, flat on my face, nothing to brace my fall... and I'm glad I did...Now, I only want my strength rooted in Him...not in me, and my ability to be "stoic, unfazed, and relentless in my pursuits"...really, that isn't strength...it's fear...fear of letting people in. Fear of feeling, fear of loving unconditionally- fear of living a life that is "irrelevant", and "unnoticeable" which basically is saying, God I don't trust You to take care of me, and my heart, or bring the right people into my life. I don't trust that your plan is perfect for me,and will actually fulfill me, and make me happier than I ever knew I could be- even if it seems like what you have planned is not what I want to do- You know best." It's saying, " Experiencing seasons of sheer brokenness is too much of a risk, because I don't trust you to bring me through the pain, or to make me new again...to bring me out better than I was before, and covered in your glory." So I build up walls, and keep everyone at bay so that I can "keep it all together." So, I can go down in history as the "strongest person that they ever knew."

Honestly, when the poop hits the fan, I have no ability to save or soothe myself from anything. The best I can do is keep people around me, self-medicate, write some music, stay busy until I finally exhaust myself and doze off, maybe eat a bunch of carbs and call it comfort food to feed and comfort my flesh, when really its my spirit that is starving, and in need of the real Bread of Life...In essence, I can avoid the problem...even if I try to face it, in a manner I think,  is head on...I still have no REAL insight, knowledge, or power to truly fix it. I'm not God...Only He can sustain me on the waves of life, and work miracles in me...I want that more than anything. I don't want to be the strongest person you know anymore...I want to be the most broken person you know, that girl who loves God with all her might, and that He shines through brilliantly...I want to be the craziest, zaniest, most passionate, most surrendered worshiper you know- because I am His...and He is mine. I'm weak...He is strong, and I am just fine with that. #happygirljj #mylifeinthesonshine #goditrustyou #mychristlife #ilovemychurch # Godisworkingitout #newbeginnings #iamnotafraid #iamfree #iamnotjudgedbyGod #helovesme #heknowsmyname #jjthamesnaked 

 "Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said,“My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.  That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:8-10