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Watch Me Grow...

So...I spent hours looking over the original manuscript of my "Tell You What I Know" story (A biography of my journey to here), thinking that I was going to pick up where I left off, finish it all up, tie it with a pretty bow, and get it on off to the publisher...after doing crazy edits ...I realize that I have to start all. over. again.
I am such a DRAMATICALLY different person from when I last wrote in early 2014 that it's just not going to fly...my perspective has changed so immensely (gross profanity usage, and self inflated, grandiose, ego grandstanding, rant filled viewpoint included ...smh...why yall ain't tell me I was such a booger? ),and my story has progressed more than I could ever imagine...my life is uber amazing!! (I mean...Billboard charts, international success, a record that just wont die, rekindling my relationship with my long lost love and marrying him (I LOVE my darling husband), buying our first house, starting 2 businesses, overcoming substance abuse...amongst so many other great experiences, blessings, and accomplishments...were NOWHERE near my line of sight the last time I wrote) I am having to chunk 19 WHOLE chapters out the window!!
Wow...wow...wow!!! I'm proud of my growth, and see Gods hand in all of it...its amazing. GOD'S amazing! His plan for our lives are so huge...SO much bigger than our own! Im so grateful...
On the other hand, I feel like I'm losing something...like a part of me is about to die. Like I'm finally laying the old JJ to rest. Like when I put this back in its file...knowing that it'll never see the printing press (despite its "full of self" and "kinda rude" overtone... it really is good prose. I was actually kinda funny in an off colored, potty mouthed, toeing the line, angry, I'm just try a figure this thing out, offensive kinda way. I think I might a been drunk when I wrote half of it. ) just officially confirms that the old jj...is dead.
I'm symbolically, truly closing a chapter of my life...like that jj is really gone. She no live here no more. Kaput...Hasta la vista, baby! She will get no glory from this story. But, that should be a good thing though, right???...
Yet, it feels so "final" does that even make sense? I knew that girl really well...I lived with her a long time. Her and all her crap...I don't think that I had even noticed that she was so gone. Change in my life was effortless (Only God creates change like that- he's so rad!) Her being gone is GREAT! But, why do I feel so...nostalgic? I think I'm having a mid book crisis. Ugh...I'm going to bed. Start this again fresh in the morning. I cant.‪#‎jesustakethewheel‬ ‪#‎gottasleeponthisone‬ ‪#‎RIPoldcrassjj‬ ‪#‎happygirljj‬‪#‎wonthedoit‬ ‪#‎imsorrytoyallthatgotthesuckyjj‬ ‪#‎iwasanAHOLE‬‪#‎hedonebroughtmeamightylongway‬ ‪#‎maybesomeofitisstillsalvageable‬‪#‎doubtit‬ ‪#‎ughimgoingtosleep‬

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