Skip to main content

Watch Me Grow...

So...I spent hours looking over the original manuscript of my "Tell You What I Know" story (A biography of my journey to here), thinking that I was going to pick up where I left off, finish it all up, tie it with a pretty bow, and get it on off to the publisher...after doing crazy edits ...I realize that I have to start all. over. again.
I am such a DRAMATICALLY different person from when I last wrote in early 2014 that it's just not going to fly...my perspective has changed so immensely (gross profanity usage, and self inflated, grandiose, ego grandstanding, rant filled viewpoint included ...smh...why yall ain't tell me I was such a booger? ),and my story has progressed more than I could ever imagine...my life is uber amazing!! (I mean...Billboard charts, international success, a record that just wont die, rekindling my relationship with my long lost love and marrying him (I LOVE my darling husband), buying our first house, starting 2 businesses, overcoming substance abuse...amongst so many other great experiences, blessings, and accomplishments...were NOWHERE near my line of sight the last time I wrote) I am having to chunk 19 WHOLE chapters out the window!!
Wow...wow...wow!!! I'm proud of my growth, and see Gods hand in all of it...its amazing. GOD'S amazing! His plan for our lives are so huge...SO much bigger than our own! Im so grateful...
On the other hand, I feel like I'm losing something...like a part of me is about to die. Like I'm finally laying the old JJ to rest. Like when I put this back in its file...knowing that it'll never see the printing press (despite its "full of self" and "kinda rude" overtone... it really is good prose. I was actually kinda funny in an off colored, potty mouthed, toeing the line, angry, I'm just try a figure this thing out, offensive kinda way. I think I might a been drunk when I wrote half of it. ) just officially confirms that the old jj...is dead.
I'm symbolically, truly closing a chapter of my life...like that jj is really gone. She no live here no more. Kaput...Hasta la vista, baby! She will get no glory from this story. But, that should be a good thing though, right???...
Yet, it feels so "final" does that even make sense? I knew that girl really well...I lived with her a long time. Her and all her crap...I don't think that I had even noticed that she was so gone. Change in my life was effortless (Only God creates change like that- he's so rad!) Her being gone is GREAT! But, why do I feel so...nostalgic? I think I'm having a mid book crisis. Ugh...I'm going to bed. Start this again fresh in the morning. I cant.‪#‎jesustakethewheel‬ ‪#‎gottasleeponthisone‬ ‪#‎RIPoldcrassjj‬ ‪#‎happygirljj‬‪#‎wonthedoit‬ ‪#‎imsorrytoyallthatgotthesuckyjj‬ ‪#‎iwasanAHOLE‬‪#‎hedonebroughtmeamightylongway‬ ‪#‎maybesomeofitisstillsalvageable‬‪#‎doubtit‬ ‪#‎ughimgoingtosleep‬

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

JJ's YEAR OF DESTINY DAY 5- Divorce is of the Devil...

"You don't know how "one" you've really become- until you're ripped apart.  Divorce is of the devil... I wish it on no one...ever."  -jj thames. Not in the mood to face the world today. so I won't. my bed is my solace... listening to my new record, tightening up arrangements, listening for more possibilities- soothes my angst. this divorce stuff irks my soul... one or two days- I barely think about it. next day...I feel like I've been hit by a bullet train at maximum speed- and just want to lay in my darkened bedroom and look at the ceiling. No tmusic, no TV...just me...my bed...and the ceiling. Sleep usually eventually welcomes me. But, then there's the dreams- and waking again to the pain. I feel like a part of me has died. It's a strange kind of pain... its a numbing abiding pain...like an irritating itch deep in your soul that you really have no kind of way to scratch. You just have to talk about it, and su...
2 comments
Read more

JJ's YEAR OF DESTINY- DAY 2- Moment By Moment

"Live one moment at a time... sometimes a day is still just too long"   -jj thames. Today is the day that I took a step back, and said... "Whoa...Lord...do you know how long a year is?? That's...365 days!! 8,760 hours!! That's...that's...525,600 minutes!! 31,536,000 seconds!! and a bazillion, gagillion, moments!! Oh Lawd! What have I done??" I began to feel myself get light headed as I fanned myself, and instantly spiraled into loneliness, and despair...and kicked myself for making the lofty commitment. (Really felt like punching myself in the face) "Fix it Jesus!" is what I whispered maybe 8 or 9 times under my breath- but nothing changed. I had wrote it down, told my accountability partners...and made the promise to God. I'm stuck, and felt like throwing an all out 2-year-old-I'ma-embarrass-my-mama-in-the-store-fall-down-on-the-floor-knockin-stuff-offa-shelves-everybody-looking-at-her-like-you-need-to-whoop-your-ch...
Post a Comment
Read more

JJ's Year of Destiny- Day 70- TWO AND TWO, RIGHT BACK AT CHA (Dating SUCKS)

"No more bad boys... like...ever. my jerk quota has been filled. I'm not in 1st grade anymore, punching me in the arm, pulling my hair and pushing me to the ground ain't cute anymore. It now is grounds for an arrest. Shirking responsibility, reckless behavior, and defying authority isn't cool...it's stupid, and immature -grow up, already." -jj thames. I am preparing to lead a small group at my church. I am really excited about it.... It's about dating. cuz...dating sucks... and being a Christian girl, and dating...sucks even more, cuz there's no sex involved, and I'm not talking about no 90 day waiting period either! (yeah, I said it.) THAT slims down the sea of fish real quick... (Tuh! DON'T act like you've never been on that dating site *sideye*) We have all been catfished at one time or another. I met a guy online once...he said he was 6'2"...Try 5'2"!!!! I wanted to punch him in the face for wasting...
Post a Comment
Read more