Time to let go...
put pictures away...
cover up my tattoo, yeah the one I got of you to prove my love...
you said you'd give me your last name.
but all you wanted, was my sweet love
and to suck up my precious time...
opened my eyes...
opened my eyes....
he was sposed to be
foolish over me
on his white horse
comin' to rescue me
make me his queen, but now I see
the only fool
the only fool was me.
-jj thames "The Only Fool Was Me"
from my upcoming new record "Raw Sugar"
Today...
is a bad frikkin day...
yet, another one that I didn't even bother getting out of bed.
Dominos delivered...
and my phone has been on silent.
I want to call somebody....but, I'm tired of talking about it. So, I figured it was a good time to write myself through the moment.
Whenever the feelings arise...I know that they are coming, because there's this foreboding gloom that descends on my visage...Almost how I guess it would feel for a chronic epileptic to know that a grand mal seizure is on its way. All you can do is hold on, and go on through the ugliness. Most days, I'm fine...barely even acknowledging that I have an ex-husband out there somewhere...
But, then I see things (torturing myself on facebook, of course- that timehop app is of the devil!) and I want to wage World War 3!!
God is having to really heal my heart...because I often find myself hating this man...having to repent, and forgive him over and over again- so my heart doesn't become black and evil.
I have to constantly SAY over and over that I forgive him for lying to me, cheating on me- repeatedly, wasting my time, abusing my worth...embarrassing me in front of my family...(and I do NOT embarrass easily)
Funny enough, more than being violently angry with him...I'm mad at myself for being his fool of a wife, for throwing myself into, and fighting for a marriage that he didn't even want, and had NO intentions to stay in...for unwittingly bargaining with God to save my marriage, to change his heart...begging him to fix it...and then having to fight myself from being bitter when it all fell apart, being an entitled brat, and giving God the sideye- like "you coulda fixed this is you wanted to." Don't be alarmed, I'm brutally honest with God, like I am with everybody else...I don't like that my marriage fell apart...at all... EVEN THOUGH, I have no desire to have it back. I wanted God to do a miracle (something that only God can do) and shrug* He didn't. I was a little toasty, a little iggy, about that...He knew it, so why lie about it? He knows best...I just didn't like the way he went about being God this time.
And THEN...there's all you other men who do your very best to try to weasel your manipulative, pontificating, cheating, insincere, half-truth telling, gigolo selves into my life now- basically repeats of the broken individual that I just divorced...I SEE YOU!! Stay away from me!! My b.s. o-meter is really set on sensitive these days... and ya'll ain't crap! (not all men...but, most) It seems that everybody is on the come up, at anybody else's expense. Well, I ain't goin'! I think I'm really jaded right now...No, matter of fact, I KNOW I am. I've never been this way before. I mean, after messed up break ups in the past...(and there have been more than I'd like to remember) I have always maintained a positive outlook- even a naive one, on people, relationships, love, and commitment. I think I secretly had a fairy tale story book ideal about life as a whole- even though my own life had never been a crystal stair. I still wanted to believe that one existed.
Well...that girl is not present at this time, and therefore, most likely needs to stay to herself, until she figures herself out, and her heart stops bleeding. My father used to tell me all the time, "you can't put anything past anyone." I scoffed...see, I'm a lover of mankind, a believer in the good of even those deemed the worst, an embracer of rainbows after the storm, a nurturer of change and growth, a theist, a sanguine soul..."there's good in everybody, Daddy" I replied...and it was his turn to scoff. Wisdom gleaming in his eyes...well, I get it now...I'm not saying that I am going to run a back ground check, or hook every individual I meet up to a lie detector test, (which might not be a bad idea)...but, I WILL be VERY protective of me. I WILL ask a billion questions...I WILL demand to see proof...I WILL leave you perplexed and standing alone in a waft of my perfume, and a pat of my afro- as SOON as I see that what you say, and what you are don't match. I WONT give second chances for character flaws. I WONT overlook red flags...matter of fact, I'll grab those suckers screaming bloody murder, and run down the street with them- as far and fast as I can away from you. I WILL NOT try to fix a man ever again, or anyone else for that matter...I WILL NOT diminish or lessen myself, my standards, my needs, desires, or worth for ANYBODY...EVER AGAIN!
And ladies, let me say this...Get your own man...stop trying to determine your worth by putting in effort to sleep with and steal someone else's. That doesn't make you a boss, or a bad chick...that makes you a whore, and a home wrecker. I will not sit here and act like I'm all ms. goody-two-shoes...I'm big enough to say that in the past I've done my dirt...but, I now have also been on the other side of it. It's no bueno...and I would HATE for you to fall deeply in love with someone...give them your heart, and take on their last name, all of their baggage, and commit yourself to having the real thing...and someone just. like. you, comes and farts on your dreams, rips your entire soul out of your frame, and makes your life a living hell... tell you what I know...what you sow, baby, you certainly will reap...remember that next time you are creepin' at the Star motel, or in he and his wife's bed "making love" and whatnot. God is not going to bless you with somebody else's husband! I can hear teeth sucking, and eyes rolling..."that would never happen to me, I'm beautiful...I know how to get and keep a man. Just cuz you weren't good enough to make him stay...I'm me- I'm better than you." Like my Daddy...I scoff at you sweetheart, with wisdom gleaming in my eyes. You'll see...
So, I guess I've made it through the grand mal heartache seizure...I feel my self coming back into focus...sigh* well, there goes another trash bag on the heap- didn't even realize all that was caked up in a dark little corner of my heart...I have exerciiized the demons- this house is cle-yah! (for now, at least) I have to check my eyes in the mirror...there I am...everything's gonna be alright...there...there...everything's gonna be just grand. This too shall pass.
For his anger lasts only a brief moment, and his good favor restores one's life. One may experience sorrow during the night, but joy arrives in the morning. Psalm 30:5
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