Skip to main content

JJ'S YEAR OF DESTINY DAY 30- The Clean Up Woman

Time to let go...
put pictures away...
cover up my tattoo, yeah the one I got of you to prove my love...
you said you'd give me your last name.
but all you wanted, was my sweet love
and to suck up my precious time...
opened my eyes...
opened my eyes....
he was sposed to be
foolish over me 
on his white horse 
comin' to rescue me
make me his queen, but now I see
the only fool 
the only fool was me. 
-jj thames "The Only Fool Was Me" 
from my upcoming new record "Raw Sugar"

Today...
is a bad frikkin day...
yet, another one that I didn't even bother getting out of bed. 
Dominos delivered...
and my phone has been on silent. 
I want to call somebody....but, I'm tired of talking about it. So, I figured it was a good time to write myself through the moment. 
Whenever the feelings arise...I know that they are coming, because there's this foreboding gloom that descends on my visage...Almost how I guess it would feel for a chronic epileptic to know that a grand mal seizure is on its way. All you can do is hold on, and go on through the ugliness. Most days, I'm fine...barely even acknowledging that I have an ex-husband out there somewhere...
But, then I see things (torturing myself on facebook, of course- that timehop app is of the devil!) and I want to wage World War 3!! 
God is having to really heal my heart...because I often find myself hating this man...having to repent, and forgive him over and over again- so my heart doesn't become black and evil.
I have to constantly SAY over and over that I forgive him for lying to me, cheating on me- repeatedly, wasting my time, abusing my worth...embarrassing me in front of my family...(and I do NOT embarrass easily) 
Funny enough, more than being violently angry with him...I'm mad at myself for being his fool of a wife, for throwing myself into, and fighting for a marriage that he didn't even want, and had NO intentions to stay in...for unwittingly bargaining with God to save my marriage, to change his heart...begging him to fix it...and then having to fight myself from being bitter when it all fell apart, being an entitled brat, and giving God the sideye- like "you coulda fixed this is you wanted to." Don't be alarmed, I'm brutally honest with God, like I am with everybody else...I don't like that my marriage fell apart...at all... EVEN THOUGH, I have no desire to have it back. I wanted God to do a miracle (something that only God can do) and shrug* He didn't. I was a little toasty, a little iggy, about that...He knew it, so why lie about it? He knows best...I just didn't like the way he went about being God this time. 

And THEN...there's all you other men who do your very best to try to weasel your manipulative, pontificating, cheating, insincere, half-truth telling, gigolo selves into my life now- basically repeats of the broken individual that I just divorced...I SEE YOU!! Stay away from me!! My b.s. o-meter is really set on sensitive these days... and ya'll ain't crap! (not all men...but, most) It seems that everybody is on the come up, at anybody else's expense. Well, I ain't goin'!  I think I'm really jaded right now...No, matter of fact, I KNOW I am. I've never been this way before. I mean, after messed up break ups in the past...(and there have been more than I'd like to remember) I have always maintained a positive outlook- even  a naive one, on people, relationships, love, and commitment. I think I secretly had a fairy tale story book ideal about life as a whole- even though my own life had never been a crystal stair. I still wanted to believe that one existed. 

Well...that girl is not present at this time, and therefore, most likely needs to stay to herself, until she figures herself out, and her heart stops bleeding. My father used to tell me all the time, "you can't put anything past anyone."  I scoffed...see, I'm a lover of mankind, a believer in the good of even those deemed the worst, an embracer of rainbows after the storm, a nurturer of change and growth,  a theist, a sanguine soul..."there's good in everybody, Daddy" I replied...and it was his turn to scoff. Wisdom gleaming in his eyes...well, I get it now...I'm not saying that I am going to run a back ground check, or hook every individual I meet up to a lie detector test, (which might not be a bad idea)...but, I WILL be VERY protective of me. I WILL ask a billion questions...I WILL demand to see proof...I WILL leave you perplexed and standing alone in a waft of my perfume, and a pat of my afro- as SOON as I see that what you say, and what you are don't match. I WONT give second chances for character flaws. I WONT overlook red flags...matter of fact, I'll grab those suckers screaming bloody murder, and run down the street with them- as far and fast as I can away from you. I WILL NOT try to fix a man ever again, or anyone else for that matter...I WILL NOT diminish or lessen myself, my standards, my needs, desires, or worth for ANYBODY...EVER AGAIN! 

And ladies, let me say this...Get your own man...stop trying to determine your worth by putting in effort to sleep with and steal someone else's. That doesn't make you a boss, or a bad chick...that makes you a whore, and a home wrecker. I will not sit here and act like I'm all ms. goody-two-shoes...I'm big enough to say that in the past I've done my dirt...but, I now have also been on the other side of it. It's no bueno...and I would HATE for you to fall deeply in love with someone...give them your heart, and take on their last name, all of their baggage, and commit yourself to having the real thing...and someone just. like. you, comes and farts on your dreams, rips your entire soul out of your frame, and makes your life a living hell... tell you what I know...what you sow, baby, you certainly will reap...remember that next time you are creepin' at the Star motel, or in he and his wife's bed "making love" and whatnot. God is not going to bless you with somebody else's husband! I can hear teeth sucking, and eyes rolling..."that would never happen to me, I'm beautiful...I know how to get and keep a man. Just cuz you weren't good enough to make him stay...I'm me- I'm better than you." Like my Daddy...I scoff at you sweetheart, with wisdom gleaming in my eyes. You'll see...

So, I guess I've made it through the grand mal heartache seizure...I feel my self coming back into focus...sigh* well, there goes another trash bag on the heap- didn't even realize all that was caked up in a dark little corner of my heart...I have exerciiized the demons- this house is cle-yah! (for now, at least) I have to check my eyes in the mirror...there I am...everything's gonna be alright...there...there...everything's gonna be just grand. This too shall pass. 

For his anger lasts only a brief moment, and his good favor restores one's life. One may experience sorrow during the night, but joy arrives in the morning. Psalm 30:5



Comments

Popular posts from this blog

JJ's YEAR OF DESTINY DAY 5- Divorce is of the Devil...

"You don't know how "one" you've really become- until you're ripped apart.  Divorce is of the devil... I wish it on no one...ever."  -jj thames. Not in the mood to face the world today. so I won't. my bed is my solace... listening to my new record, tightening up arrangements, listening for more possibilities- soothes my angst. this divorce stuff irks my soul... one or two days- I barely think about it. next day...I feel like I've been hit by a bullet train at maximum speed- and just want to lay in my darkened bedroom and look at the ceiling. No tmusic, no TV...just me...my bed...and the ceiling. Sleep usually eventually welcomes me. But, then there's the dreams- and waking again to the pain. I feel like a part of me has died. It's a strange kind of pain... its a numbing abiding pain...like an irritating itch deep in your soul that you really have no kind of way to scratch. You just have to talk about it, and su...

JJ's YEAR OF DESTINY- DAY 2- Moment By Moment

"Live one moment at a time... sometimes a day is still just too long"   -jj thames. Today is the day that I took a step back, and said... "Whoa...Lord...do you know how long a year is?? That's...365 days!! 8,760 hours!! That's...that's...525,600 minutes!! 31,536,000 seconds!! and a bazillion, gagillion, moments!! Oh Lawd! What have I done??" I began to feel myself get light headed as I fanned myself, and instantly spiraled into loneliness, and despair...and kicked myself for making the lofty commitment. (Really felt like punching myself in the face) "Fix it Jesus!" is what I whispered maybe 8 or 9 times under my breath- but nothing changed. I had wrote it down, told my accountability partners...and made the promise to God. I'm stuck, and felt like throwing an all out 2-year-old-I'ma-embarrass-my-mama-in-the-store-fall-down-on-the-floor-knockin-stuff-offa-shelves-everybody-looking-at-her-like-you-need-to-whoop-your-ch...

Jj's Year of Coming of Age: Day 178- Spillin' Tea- Cussin Mad...And Tryin' To Forgive...

"I used to think that the worst thing in life  to end up alone.   It's not... The worst thing in life  is to end up with people  who make you feel alone. " -Robin Williams Pictured above...2013...My son Israel and I in our new home after 31/2 years of on again, off again homelessness. We were pretty stoked. Right now is truly one of the best times of my life...go figure. FINALLY...after all of the hurting, pain. suffering...sacrificing, fighting, surviving... darkness, confusion, fear...shame, depression, and loneliness...My dreams...my vision of what my life was always supposed to be, even as a little girl- is materializing and indubitably coming to pass. And while I should be over the moon- flipping cartwheels, not caring if the world sees my panty drawers, and skipping around singing the smurf song...happy as a pig in fresh poo...I'm not... Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful...beyond grateful...honored...humbled, and not taki...