JJ's Year of Destiny- Day 273: It All Comes Back Full Circle

"You and I 

have defied and defined time 

to realign right here where we stand

look in my eyes, there's someone waiting there

someone you loved oh so very well. 

through ages and eons 

from creation to revelation 

I've loved you over and over and over and over again 

from plantations through elevation 

royal thrones and abdications 

our souls search and find 

repair the breach and mend.

you are my all in all 

I'll always find you no matter how far we are 

you are my all in all

I'll always find my way back to you, my love 

no matter how far we are

all in all" 

-jj thames

so...this thing called "adulting"...I'on like it...i'on like it, not one bit. I feel like being in your 30's is like being a teenager all over again, like its the adolescent years of adulthood, except with responsibilities hanging over your head...

• you have the breaking up or distancing of friendships. (often because of being in different life stages- i.e. people getting married, having children, moving away, growing up to be jerks, etc.)
• the getting married (and in my case subsequently divorced) and dating (makeups/breakups)
• trying to figure out what men are really thinking...(didn't understand them as boys...now as men, forget about it.)
• the competition to be the best at...everything, against everyone...(except now, its not for a plastic trophy, but for important things like jobs, real estate, promotions, the corner office, the only straight, competent, employed, attractive, emotionally baggageless, loyal, eligible bachelor in a 50 mile radius)
• changing hormones that sometimes you just can't understand. (I'm more of a "girl" now than I have ever been. So much so that the "girl-ness" gets on my own nerves, and I have to have secret meetings in the bathroom mirror banning myself from crying, and commanding my reflection to "get your s**** together...NOW!")
• being unhappy with your body/self image, and working tirelessly to change it. (and unlike being a teenager...it takes way more work, and way more time...and yucky food that ion wanna eat.)
• the bullies and backstabbers. (haters gone hate)
• financial woes (seems like there's never enough to do the stuff that you WANNA do)
• the feeling like everything that you thought you knew, you aren't sure that you know anymore. And as soon as you think you know something again, it all changes or becomes indelibly complexed...again.
• trying to know thyself to make good decisions about what to do with the rest of your life. (with no cheat sheet, guidance counselors,or teachers standing over your shoulder telling you what to do. And self help books are either a load of crock...or make you feel more inadequate than you felt when you picked the blimey thing up from the bookstore and wasted another $15.99 that you coulda spent on froyo...WHY IS THAT STUFF SO EXPENSIVE?? Its just frozen flavored MILK for pete's sake!!!)
• friends dying and/or having substance abuse issues...(seems like in high school, there was always one or two...more depending on where you come from.)
• men lying about their activities with you...(when do ya'll stop that??? GROW UP!!)
• questioning life, purpose, and the universe...for what, Jesus??
• depending on parents and mentors to see you through the madness, and even THEY seem clueless half the time.

Just when I think I have a grasp on things, stuff goes topsy turvy and I'm standing and looking like "what just happened here??", and then scrambling to make it all make sense. My philosophy about life is pretty fluid right now...are there ever any constants? Is there ever a point where you have a solid "aha"' moment, and it all just makes sense-I mean, before death? Does anybody have absolute answers about life, or ANYTHING?? or is everybody just hemming and hawwing, pontificating and pretending like they have it all together, and know what they are doing? Bamboozling and leading the honestly searching folk astray. The blind leading the blind?
The only place that I find peace and true confidence is on stage performing...My world makes perfect sense there...off stage, I'm like..."do we really have to do this clustermuck called life, is this really necessary?" so, I hide in my little house, and write songs...I sing myself asleep...I wake my self in the same manner...Outside of that, I'm honest and straightforward in saying...I have no idea what the hell I am doing...so as a mentor told me a long time ago, I just put my hands to the wheelbarrow and push...YOLO (you only live once) is starting to make a whole lot of sense these days. Live in the now...cuz tomorrow, does not yet exist, and really ain't promised. Today is the present, because it's a gift. Sounds good, doesn't it? well...why does it feel like some days you get a box, wrapped in pretty paper and a shiny curly bow- encasing a steaming pile of dog poo? What kinda lemonade you plan on making with that, hmm??? Go ahead...I'll wait.
*sigh*
I guess that's the point of faith, knowing that there is Someone big,perfect, and all knowing guiding your path, while you learn lessons...taking you where you need to go, and clearing your pathway-leading you around the potholes, or navigating you through the rocky terrain. Nudging you in your heart, and saying..."I've got you baby girl...come follow me." and having that hope in your soul that says..."I'm completely lost...but, I reckon I'll keep on keepin' on, and I'ma make it somehow." I suppose I don't have to have it figured all out (ha! like I had a vote in the matter)...I must only believe. *shrug* That's all I've got. #ChildlikeFaith #NothingElseMakesSense #JJThamesNaked #ImOnlyHonest #IRushedToGrowUpForTHIS #IfOnlyICouldBeAKidAgain #SomeBodyShouldaToldMe #OhWaitTheyDid #WellILLBeDoggoned

God, my shepherd! I don’t need a thing.You have bedded me down in lush meadows, you find me quiet pools to drink from.True to your word, you let me catch my breath and send me in the right direction.Even when the way goes through Death Valley,I’m not afraid when you walk at my side.Your trusty shepherd’s crook makes me feel secure.You serve me a six-course dinner right in front of my enemies.You revive my drooping head; my cup brims with blessing.Your beauty and love chase after me every day of my life.I’m back home in the house of God for the rest of my life.Psalm 23 MSG